Latest Posts (20 found)

rose ▪ bud ▪ thorn - august 2026

Published 30 Aug, 2026 I met Suliman ! I'm having a good time playing FFXIV; made it to Heavensward now, excited to play more. My wife gifted me the new Hello Kitty Island Adventure DLC (Tea Garden) and it's been very sweet and calming :) We had a great date day on which we tried out a vegan kebab we had never eaten before, went to a few manga shops, Build-a-Bear, a cinnamonroll shop, and more. My matcha order surprisingly arrived without notice, just in time, when I had used up my last bit of the old an hour or so prior. We went to Gamescom and I found merch of a Sanrio character I like that barely gets any or is never included anywhere; a Mocha plush, and I even pulled Mocha (or rather, Cinnamoroll dressed as Mocha) out of a blindbox too! Plus I paid less than the price tag said for something. The way my wife looked at me when I pulled the small plushie out of the blindbox brings tears to my eyes. It was just so overtly, shockingly full of genuine love and joy for me. I can't even describe how it feels to see someone look at you like that when finally something good happens to you. I think remembering that look will sustain me for the rest of my life. Saw a full rainbow in a pink sky while looking out the window. I got back into journaling for joy, and using up some of the stickers I had accumulated in the months of not doing so. I felt really grateful for a friend reaching out that I hadn't talked to in months and how supportive he was when I told him about my struggles. He independently remembered specific upcoming days I was worried about, and then checked in with me on them to see how I was doing. I am still so surprised that anyone would do that for me, unasked. Generally received kind messages and emails of support, which I am thankful for. Started feeling more like myself again towards the very end of the month. Getting back into my gym routine that I had to pause for health reasons. Regaining my sense of purpose, re-establishing parts of my life that give me a sense of security, a plan to follow, something to work towards. Studying for my degree. I've really fallen off this semester. Finishing up my blog post drafts. There's so much I wanna put out there, but time just keeps running through my hands like fine sand. This has been the worst month of the year for me... yet. What happened this month cannot ever happen to me again. I've had 20+ high heart rate notifications via my smartwatch this month because of anxiety, stress, panic attacks and rumination, mentally spiraling while sitting there doing nothing. I don't usually mention it when I talk about my illnesses because for the past few years, it genuinely did not affect me at all after treatment with EMDR, but I was diagnosed with (C-)PTSD years ago. Something in my life recently triggered it again pretty badly, so this is the fallout. I've spent most of this month trying to exit this hypervigilant state, this feeling of always being in danger or hunted, even when I know I am safe, and trying to implement the coping mechanisms I had learned. It has also made some some other mental health issues reemerge that were never officially diagnosed, and I might need to get on that. Unfortunately, Germany is currently completely gutting psychotherapy... All of that is the reason it's been quiet and I have been very behind on answering emails. I've endured some really weird and off-putting behavior from multiple different people this month; some friends, some acquaintances, but also strangers.

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ava's blog Yesterday

link dump - catching up on my online reading

While I am slowly getting back up on my feet after a tough time, I am catching up on emails (will still take a bit!), my RSS feed reader, and several newsletters that have accumulated in my inbox. Here's what I picked out to read and share: This Is Capitalism: Apple's Hidden Data Workers at the Shadows of the AI Boom - 19 page paper detailing what data workers actually do and what problems they deal with, written anonymously by a data worker interviewing their colleagues. Parts of the work descriptions remind me of the work in Severance . Is this really a good reason to triple datacentre capacity in Europe? - online blog post tracing where the idea to triple the EU's data centers comes from that is mentioned in several EU AI strategies. Turns out it's from be a blog post from Savills, a commercial real estate firm who profit off of data centers being built. Fake US thinktank set up and funded by Israel sought to game AI for propaganda - AI slop meant to absolutely flood the web to be included in AI training funded by the Israel government to spread disinformation in AI answers. A new force is increasing inequality in America - WaPo article about how AI is not leveling the playing field or bridging the gap between poor and rich, but instead worsening the gap. People making the most use of AI are concentrated in richer urban areas and are already often rather wealthy, while the AI data centers are in poorer neighborhoods and the data workers are often migrants or in the Global South. Rich people can invest into AI and its stock, therefore profiting off of the hype and concentrating even more wealth. An operational framework for AI literacy in the workplace - 15 page paper from Interface EU addressing the vagueness of "sufficient AI literacy" that is often mentioned in EU AI legislation. It proposes a cumulative three-tier framework based on the nature and consequences of a worker's interaction with AI which then dictates the level of literacy required and how to attain/ensure it and measure it. The Quiet Erosion of Collective Action Under Digital Surveillance - article on chilling effects of permanent surveillance and the feeling of constant suspicion which continues to erode activism. Flipping the kill switch: I survived 72 hours without US tech - online article about an experiment to live without reliance on US tech. The US has such a strong monopoly that almost all online services and tech are unusable with this rule. Gone in one click - assessing the socio-economic impact of browser-level consent in Europe - small informative flyer style PDF by the Implement Group showing figures about cookie consent rates and ad industry revenues depending on the mode of consent. Inside the growing vigilante movement to knock out Flock surveillance cameras - online article by The Guardian. I admire these people, and we need more civil disobedience now, everywhere. Not just against Flock; against Meta glasses wearers, against Ring camera owners (Yes, you too! None of you are the "good ones" with "valid" reasons!) and more. There's many ways to affect these devices that you can find online or just get creative with it. Keep yourself safe, don't write about it, don't record yourself doing it, don't discuss it via digital means, leave your devices at home, and leave no fingerprints. Did someone wearing Meta Glasses film you today? Are you sure? - another Guardian online article, this time about the spy glasses and the people who enable hiding the recording light on them. The man behind GhostMeta is actually so vile and disgusting; anything else I could say would violate the Code of Conduct this blog is hosted on. German links: HeißeLuft.org - German website with interactive map showing where AI data centers are planned, in development, and paused, together with information on protests. Made me discover that they are planning on building one not too far away from me... Deutsche Post trainiert ihre KI mit Ausweisfotos - article about how Deutsche Post is training their AI with ID pictures they get via digital identification procedures. It's not voluntary as they claim, as you need to give permission before being allowed to proceed. Verhaltensscanner in Berlin: Harte Kritik an der KI-Überwachung - online article about the new camera installed in Berlin that will analyze all people in that area via AI surveillance software by Adesso, with more cameras to follow. They want to put them up in high crime rate areas , but keep secret what the standards for this are, which enables a mass roll-out of them if they wanted to without any oversight or control. There has already been one mix-up leading to higher crime reported in an area than actually happened. These cameras already also exist in Hamburg and Mannheim. Möglicher AfD-Sieg in Sachsen-Anhalt - online article detailing the fear of queer people and people of color of an upcoming potential win of the AfD in their state. Afd-Gutachten.de - website containing some stats and a PDF report of a legal assessment on the chances of a successful AfD ban. „Gipfel gegen Linksextremismus“: Mit Trump gegen die Antifa - online article about the cooperation of Germany with the US on its fight against antifascism. Unfortunately it has continued, with the German government realigning to focus more on supposed "leftist extremism" and even re-distributing money away from leftist projects, which mostly hits projects aimed at helping queer people and migrants. Wie weit ist Deutschland beim digitalen Gewaltschutz? - an online article about the really embarrassingly low standards of protection against digital violence, especially image-based ones like deepfake nudes and revenge porn, in Germany. Lots needs to be done in general, but especially to even meet the new EU standards. Wer ist für Straftaten der KI verantwortlich? - legal article about the criminal liability of autonomous AI in Germany, and how crimes done by AI agents are pushing the legal system to its limit as we only legislate for humans. Published 29 Aug, 2026 This Is Capitalism: Apple's Hidden Data Workers at the Shadows of the AI Boom - 19 page paper detailing what data workers actually do and what problems they deal with, written anonymously by a data worker interviewing their colleagues. Parts of the work descriptions remind me of the work in Severance . Is this really a good reason to triple datacentre capacity in Europe? - online blog post tracing where the idea to triple the EU's data centers comes from that is mentioned in several EU AI strategies. Turns out it's from be a blog post from Savills, a commercial real estate firm who profit off of data centers being built. Fake US thinktank set up and funded by Israel sought to game AI for propaganda - AI slop meant to absolutely flood the web to be included in AI training funded by the Israel government to spread disinformation in AI answers. A new force is increasing inequality in America - WaPo article about how AI is not leveling the playing field or bridging the gap between poor and rich, but instead worsening the gap. People making the most use of AI are concentrated in richer urban areas and are already often rather wealthy, while the AI data centers are in poorer neighborhoods and the data workers are often migrants or in the Global South. Rich people can invest into AI and its stock, therefore profiting off of the hype and concentrating even more wealth. An operational framework for AI literacy in the workplace - 15 page paper from Interface EU addressing the vagueness of "sufficient AI literacy" that is often mentioned in EU AI legislation. It proposes a cumulative three-tier framework based on the nature and consequences of a worker's interaction with AI which then dictates the level of literacy required and how to attain/ensure it and measure it. Great quote from it: "No evidence yet shows that these trainings work, and three gaps might explain the reason. The first is motive. Corporate training aims at productivity and teaches people to use the tools well, whereas the law cares whether operators understand how systems fail and cause harm. A workforce fluent in prompting can still be illiterate in the sense a regulator means: trained to produce good output, but not to recognise when a model misleads or to know its duties under data-protection and risk rules." The Quiet Erosion of Collective Action Under Digital Surveillance - article on chilling effects of permanent surveillance and the feeling of constant suspicion which continues to erode activism. Flipping the kill switch: I survived 72 hours without US tech - online article about an experiment to live without reliance on US tech. The US has such a strong monopoly that almost all online services and tech are unusable with this rule. Gone in one click - assessing the socio-economic impact of browser-level consent in Europe - small informative flyer style PDF by the Implement Group showing figures about cookie consent rates and ad industry revenues depending on the mode of consent. Inside the growing vigilante movement to knock out Flock surveillance cameras - online article by The Guardian. I admire these people, and we need more civil disobedience now, everywhere. Not just against Flock; against Meta glasses wearers, against Ring camera owners (Yes, you too! None of you are the "good ones" with "valid" reasons!) and more. There's many ways to affect these devices that you can find online or just get creative with it. Keep yourself safe, don't write about it, don't record yourself doing it, don't discuss it via digital means, leave your devices at home, and leave no fingerprints. Did someone wearing Meta Glasses film you today? Are you sure? - another Guardian online article, this time about the spy glasses and the people who enable hiding the recording light on them. The man behind GhostMeta is actually so vile and disgusting; anything else I could say would violate the Code of Conduct this blog is hosted on. HeißeLuft.org - German website with interactive map showing where AI data centers are planned, in development, and paused, together with information on protests. Made me discover that they are planning on building one not too far away from me... Deutsche Post trainiert ihre KI mit Ausweisfotos - article about how Deutsche Post is training their AI with ID pictures they get via digital identification procedures. It's not voluntary as they claim, as you need to give permission before being allowed to proceed. Verhaltensscanner in Berlin: Harte Kritik an der KI-Überwachung - online article about the new camera installed in Berlin that will analyze all people in that area via AI surveillance software by Adesso, with more cameras to follow. They want to put them up in high crime rate areas , but keep secret what the standards for this are, which enables a mass roll-out of them if they wanted to without any oversight or control. There has already been one mix-up leading to higher crime reported in an area than actually happened. These cameras already also exist in Hamburg and Mannheim. Möglicher AfD-Sieg in Sachsen-Anhalt - online article detailing the fear of queer people and people of color of an upcoming potential win of the AfD in their state. Afd-Gutachten.de - website containing some stats and a PDF report of a legal assessment on the chances of a successful AfD ban. „Gipfel gegen Linksextremismus“: Mit Trump gegen die Antifa - online article about the cooperation of Germany with the US on its fight against antifascism. Unfortunately it has continued, with the German government realigning to focus more on supposed "leftist extremism" and even re-distributing money away from leftist projects, which mostly hits projects aimed at helping queer people and migrants. Wie weit ist Deutschland beim digitalen Gewaltschutz? - an online article about the really embarrassingly low standards of protection against digital violence, especially image-based ones like deepfake nudes and revenge porn, in Germany. Lots needs to be done in general, but especially to even meet the new EU standards. Wer ist für Straftaten der KI verantwortlich? - legal article about the criminal liability of autonomous AI in Germany, and how crimes done by AI agents are pushing the legal system to its limit as we only legislate for humans.

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ava's blog 5 days ago

book: the ethical slut by dossie easton and janet hardy

During my break, I have also read The Ethical Slut . It's been on my list for a while, and I even had a Kindle version I just never got around to read; then I left Amazon years ago and deleted my account, and it seems like my conversion of the EPUBs via Calibre failed or I copied over the wrong files when I did my backup. All my Kindle books are unreadable. Because polyamory and open relationships have become more relevant for me again lately (after being a bit buried by Covid, my illnesses, feeling saturated, not meeting anyone interesting etc.), I chose to get a physical copy this time. In 2018, I read another book about polyamory, called More Than Two by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, published 2014. In retrospect, it was the wrong book to read at the wrong time for me, and while it definitely has its uses and worth, I regret reading it when I did! I went in with an absolutely deep sense of shame and insecurity, which was unintentionally amplified by the book because it's essentially a manual for when troubles arise in non-monogamous relationships, with all kinds of real life examples and tips. It was as if I was scared about taking medicine, and spent days reading package leaflets with all the possible side effects. Did not reassure me at all. I should reread it again with a better mindset. I'm happy to say The Ethical Slut is a lot more upbeat, positive, silly, fun, reassuring and open, and I'd say, not even a book about non-monogamy in general, even if it's on the cover. This is a useful read even for monogamous relationships, because it focuses a lot on destigmatizing and communicating needs in relationships, regardless of how many partners there are or whether the needs are sexual or not. The focus is on living the kind of relationships you want, no matter what the modalities look like, and to get rid of meaningless past fragments and indoctrination and instead do the things you really want to do, irrespective of imposed gender roles, sexual orientation pressures, and more. Many of us simply never question the cultural messaging we get about gender, sexuality, and romantic relationships. I'll also say that if you are a mature-acting adult in healthy relationships, not much in this book will be news to you. There is lots you either already bring to the table, aspire to be, or have learned by yourself via mistakes made. But it's nice to be reaffirmed and get a little reminder! One thing that challenged my previously held beliefs in a surprising way was the framing of serial monogamy as, ironically, a form of of non-monogamy. I'm not saying this is more correct - many would say that the simultaneous involvement is the main point - but I found it an interesting perspective shift to see multiple partners spread across time, as opposed to the ideal of finding one and committing forever, like this. It underlines that many people are already capable of falling in love with different people throughout life, and renegotiating different rules in each relationship, being different with each partner and finding they fulfill different needs in a variety of ways. So all that stands between many monoamorous and polyamorous people is the time overlap between those relationships. Some criticisms I have: While trans people are often mentioned and very much credited for a lot of their work and pioneering many new relationship models and terms, and the book has been updated to include gendervariant identities that were missed in the first two editions of the book to make it, as the authors say, fit to as many sexualities and genders as possible, the entire book still feels very cis-normative in many parts. Especially when it's about lesbians or gay men, there is an implicit assumption that they are all cis, and rather stereotypical assumptions about how their gender is expressed, and these groups being reduced to tropes like "lesbians love longterm monogamy and consent, and gay men love being sexually confident sluts". I also find that especially in the parts about bisexuality, trans people get a lot of ungendering/third gendering done to them, where they are always their separate categories (instead of trans lesbians being included in lesbian sections) or it's like "I am bi or simply queer because I can't know what the person I'm attracted to is biologically " and I feel like this has never even been a good thing to do or say, and if you are updating the book anyway to be more inclusive, just remove that shit. Additionally, I don't care much for the more woo-woo, spiritual, hippie parts of the book, even if they can be amusing or neutral for me to read; like how we all breathe sexual energy, and that it's all around us, and that by them writing about sex and me reading it, we are having sex with each other... it's not my cup of tea personally. And I respect that the book is older, and some parts of the book now mention the internet and social media or even dating apps, but there's a whole section dedicated to how to write a personal ad to find love, and it feels very outdated. I think I could have easily skipped chapter 1 and 2, and only 3 and 4 were really relevant or getting to it. Still, I found myself wanting; while it was entertaining, it sometimes lacked depth for me (both practice and theory), and it often felt a bit too naive to me. It's written from an utopian, aspirational, free love place, in which people are innately good, and never do anything bad to upset you, they'll all understand and see your point of view, and you're capable of feeling love and appreciation for everyone. I feel incapable of coming from such a place, unfortunately, so some parts felt rather needlessly unrealistic to me. I will not like everybody, not everyone will understand me, and people can absolutely be mean, ruthless, unfair, and doing things purposefully to hurt you. I can't "love everyone" myself out of that reality. A lot of things in this book sound fine until you remember how shitty many other people's relationships are and how insecure they are, and how many, many people select the absolute worst people to be their partner, or have absolutely no healthy standards in place. I think you have to be a lot more guarded, careful and selective than the book describes. In my view, it also puts too much responsibility on you to control your emotions and endure them, versus taking them as a deserved warning signal that something is wrong, as if the latter could almost never happen. Your jealousy or envy isn't always something whack and unreasonable to endure until it goes away, or something that can just be resolved with a reassurance talk or additional 1-on-1 time together. Sometimes, you are genuinely treated in a rude way and shouldn't celebrate having "endured" that. Like, on page 152-153, Dossie describes having casually dated a man, telling him she cannot be monogamous, and then when she took him home and her best friend was there, those two just started making out while Dossie sat there staring, not knowing what to do, and in the end opting to go upstairs and read a book until the two left. This was, she writes, her first encounter of surviving jealousy. But in my view, that wouldn't even have been jealousy - just reacting to the rudeness of the other two! It was completely odd and insensitive behavior of the man and her bestie to just do that, without asking her, without involving her, or without them retreating into another space to do that, or making out a date to meet up separately. It's not about the sexual act even, it could have been playing cards while ignoring her, too. I would never celebrate being completely disregarded and ignored as a victory. If people don't give a fuck about your feelings, they should be booted from your life, not you accommodating them for it too. Never applaud yourself for enduring or even enabling disrespect! And it's not the only time in the book where they fail to come down hard on shitty behavior. They absolutely downplay cheating, despite the rest of the book being so full of the value of consent. I would just regard it as "groundbreaking at its time" (1997, then updated in 2009 and 2017) but not holding up well now, not really useful for people who are already on board with non-monogamy, and increasingly irrelevant as more books and online writing is published that is better suited now. Next up in that niche, I'll probably finally read Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino, and Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan. But not that soon. Published 25 Aug, 2026

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ava's blog 1 weeks ago

thinking about friendships

Currently taking stock of my social life, and throughout life, the same patterns emerge. I’ve always been a more solitary person. I’m an only child, and my parents were rather neglectful and homebodies as well; so we never really went on trips, they never took me to the playground or anything. I played in my room, alone. I went out to play in the shared garden by myself, I went to playgrounds and forests alone (I grew up in a small town/village). I occasionally played with other kids I met outside, but not always. I have always preferred my hobbies to be something I don’t need other people for and that I can just start on my own, whenever, exactly because of the way I am and how I grew up. At kindergarten, there was one other child I talked to and played with, and absolutely no one else. If she wasn’t in that day, I’d just be alone. I couldn’t stand anyone else. Having anyone over or having to bring me to any other kid’s place was always treated as this impossible task by my mother, and would result in her being mad at me and abusing me, so I soon just didn’t ask for that anymore most of the time. I didn’t wanna cause any issues. Later on, it meant a lot that I was able to help out at horse stables, earn riding lessons, and have community there. Adults who trusted me, a topic to bond over with people (esp. people my age), a shared interest, shared responsibility. I wasn’t ever enrolled in any team sports or anything, so that is the closest I had. I’m no longer involved in equestrian sports for a multitude of reasons, but I’m glad it was there for me back then. At least I could socialize there. School was a sensory nightmare for me, extremely draining, overstimulating. My skin felt like it was raw, every sound felt like nails on a chalkboard. I had to use the breaks between classes to retreat to a quiet place and recover before the next class, but this also meant never hanging out with people between classes. The few times I tried, standing with others in these giant halls, people talking loudly and screaming and laughing everywhere around us, I just zoned out. I could barely listen or think of anything to say because everything was too loud. Then I entered the next class regretting how I spent my break. I always thought things would improve with time. Next year, or when I reach university, and so on. But it never did. At my first university, I tried hard to make friends and attend events, but most connections simply fizzled out, and people dropped out. It didn’t help that I could otherwise barely interact with university life; the public transport home stopped at 9pm (bad for parties!), and other than that, my mother used our dog to guilt trip and control me all the time. I was going in for a class or two and otherwise staying home for him. I could never stay after class for lunch or going to a café together because she’d be throwing a fit and I relied on her for housing. After that, I started a traineeship with some school parts. It started promisingly, and I indeed felt like people liked me in class. Unfortunately, trying to see anyone outside of it was like pulling teeth; I tried to organize hangouts at the park, barbecues, game evenings at my place etc., but most never materialized. I think some people showed up at my place once, some cancelling shortly prior, the few coming like 1-2h late and leaving early. It never happened again. After the traineeship ended, we all dispersed and didn’t keep contact with one another. Surely, things would improve with full time work, right? Not really. It’s harder to bond with coworkers who are either much, much older or live a very different life in general, especially with kids, houses, vacations. I know what to ask them, and I do - is your aunt feeling better? How is your kid? Did he pass the difficult exam? What summer vacation are you planning/how was Egypt? How’s the garden project coming along? But they don’t know what to ask me, and I totally get why. They can’t ask me about things they bond to each other about, and they don’t understand anything about me. Sometimes they ask if my wife found a job yet, and I still have to give the same answer, and then that’s it. I share stuff about myself, but am never asked about that. I thought things would change when a new, similarly young coworker started here and got seated in my office. I put a lot of effort into being her guide, showing her everything, helping with the start, complimenting her work, bringing her coffee one time (which she didn’t touch for the entire day and then probably dumped, woohoo), spending lunch together, and all that. But now, 2.5 years or so later, I have to admit it failed again. I make sure to always ask about how she is today or how her weekend was when I come in, I share stuff from my life to signal openness and to give her something to ask about or something, but it doesn’t help. We greet each other, say we feel alright, complain about public transport, and then spend 6-8h in complete silence in the same room until one of us leaves for the day. There is no ease, no jokes, no conversations emerging inbetween. I also feel like when we have good weeks where I try extra hard and it flows better, it takes just one office day of being a little more quiet, or just a week of time off or sick, and then I have to start at zero again. I feel that way about lots of people, as if my progress with them is constantly reset by something. Everyone else seems to bond just fine with her (and vice versa) despite the age difference and different lifestyle, so I guess it really wasn’t that; it was just me. I often have to rely on a group setting at work to find out stuff because people will just not tell me much directly for some reason. Now that I have been in an online/distance university since 2022, there is even less contact with other students. Everyone I befriended in the beginning or had a study group with dropped out and disappeared. I no longer even join any groups or interact much because it’s pointless; I study the material, do the exams, and that’s it. All alone, no one to talk to about it, no one to ask or practice with. It’s easier that way than dealing with the flakiness. In general, I think I just don’t seem to read people correctly, or I put too much stock in what they say or do, somehow, and expect it to follow the indicated pattern? This year I suggested meeting up at a conference in a group, someone else made a group chat for that meetup, people joined voluntarily, and then I didn’t see most of them because they made no effort actually making plans in that group chat or reacting to my efforts to meet up. No feedback, no replies, no “sorry can’t make it”, just silence. You’d think there’s interest when people accept the idea, make a group and join it, but apparently I must have misread the intentions somehow. In the era of nonchalance, I guess it’s my fault for showing interest and enthusiasm. I’ve also noticed that online friends, especially the ones more far away, and general real life friends that live very far away (because you or they moved away) make much more of an effort. They text more, they make online plans, they make an effort to meet irl when it fits. Meanwhile people local to me… you might as well not exist. I’ve tried to change LGS/Magic the Gathering connections into something deeper and broader, and it just fails. I make an effort to ask people about their interests, they don’t ask back. I make an effort to note that someone’s cat has been sick, and to check back in about the cat’s health later, and get completely ignored. Or the usual “This was great, we should do this again soon!” and then you’re the only one trying. My wife and I are really great hosts. We have an option for guests to stay in my wife’s apartment. We stock the fridge for them. We bake cookies and gift people bread we bake. We cook great meals for people when they visit. We have a decent collection of boardgames and card games we invite people over to play, or bring to their place. We can watch your pets while on vacation, we can water your plants, we can bring you soup when you’re sick. We’re happy to go to museums and cafes and other stuff with you. But for some reason, actually establishing all that is painfully hard with local people. People love to complain about a loneliness epidemic, but at this point, I consider that many people just wanna be lonely and make no effort to change that, or are saturated with what they have, or don’t actually have what it takes to build and maintain a “village” (“It takes a village”, if you want a village you have to be willing to be a villager and help, yada yada). Me too, probably; there seems to be something wrong with me, it’s probably my autism. But at least I try, which is more than I can say for most people who live close. Right now, almost all friends I have are through my wife. They are hers, or ours, but never just mine. I even “lost” people to her when I introduced them. The vast majority of days, the only person I talk to in real life is my wife. 1 of 2 office days per week, I don’t say a single word at the office because I don’t see anyone; everyone is in their own little room, and my team mates are not there. I don’t really grocery shop, and when I do, I use the self checkout. Cashier contact gives me nothing. Anywhere in public, no matter if shops or public transport, I don’t get these sort of whimsical stranger interactions others do. I make a joke and people don’t get it or don’t hear it, people say something to me in public and I am too surprised to say something of value or anything that would keep the conversation going, and the moment passes. The same happens in work hallways or the work kitchen. I chat occasionally via Matrix or Signal, and that’s it. Every other month or three, we play Magic with some people and I get to socialize. Or friends from far away come visit. But other than that, nothing. And I don’t think anything is gonna change that. I don’t understand people, and they don’t understand me. The only times it has ever really worked reliably is if they were romantically or sexually interested. There is always this invisible wall between me and other people, and in many cases, an effort mismatch and an importance mismatch. I’m at a point where I might just accept it; hold the people close who really love and understand me, and otherwise be content with my solitary little hobbies and special interest. At least those can’t leave and aren’t unavailable. It just sucks when everyone you rely on so much (because you don’t have many others), have what feels like a sea of people available to them. You always have to share them, but they never have to share you. Published 18 Aug, 2026

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ava's blog 1 weeks ago

shop milking their customers for social media content

I'm really conflicted between naming and shaming this store, and not wanting to help them with more traffic for their rancid business model. For now, I have not redacted the social media handle in the picture. In Cologne, Germany, there is a kiosk that has switched owners, and now greets you with the following poster at the door: Picture by andi_808 Your appearance at @(socialmediahandle) @(socialmediahandle) is a Social-Media-Kiosk. That means we produce video material showing life during our opening times. By entering, you accept that your appearance at @(socialmediahandle) is recorded with video and audio, saved and used for @(socialmediahandle) material. That is the goal. By entering of the @(socialmediahandle) as a person of legal age, you participate in it and give us (Company name) the right to use the recorded material of you irrespective of time and location for the following uses: Distribution and reproduction, making the recorded content publicly accessible, and broadcasting the recorded content as part of our social media channels and streaming services and on other corresponding platforms (in particular, but not exclusively, on the TikTok, Instagram and YouTube channels), and on TV, live, on demand and/or in edited form. Archiving — all by (company name) and/or by third parties. This also applies to the promotion of our own products and services, as well as the promotion of products and services of third parties using the recordings made. There is no entitlement to the exploitation or publication of the material produced. Read? Agreed? Then buzzer now! By pressing the button, you agree that you agree to the above conditions. By letting you into the kiosk, we accept your agreement. Next to the door seems to be a green little buzzer. On their online presence, they clarify that there will be live events, surprises, vertical mini-series with "microdrama", aiming for "real moments with customers - unscripted, spontaneous, authentic and opinionated". They aim for producing reality TV content. I am baffled that someone thought this was a great idea. First off, this notice is not telling customers about their GDPR/BDSG rights, which you need to do when you film an area as a business. People need to know that they have rights, particularly right to access, rectification, erasure, restriction of processing, and more. It's not telling people how long the data is stored. There is no proper contact information on who to contact to enforce these rights as is mandated, which is another failure. Second, this notice and the modalities of how you are being informed are lacking for people with visual impairments, children (especially because they do mention they only want adults, but children entering will most likely still be recorded, even if it won't be used, and children have special protections under the GDPR), and people who otherwise cannot consent. As this is not just for security purposes, like a normal CCTV surveillance system used in almost any store, but instead is supposed to be (manipulated) content for potentially millions to see, I see a heightened need to inform people via other means, even verbally inside the store. I'd also be curious to know whether AI will be used or not, and whether people agree to also give their likeness for that, or to be associated with product ads this way. Third, lets think about the customer base for kiosks. There will be children buying candy, chips and sugary drinks, of course, and many people just buying magazines, cigarettes and the like in a mundane way; but many, many times, these shops are also the main hub for homeless people, people suffering from alcoholism, and more. Poor people who are seen as Asoziale , based on fulfilling stereotypes like being from a migrant family, dressing in sweats, talking a certain way, chain-smoking, being seen as unintelligent, violent, with no ambition. It's always been fair game to many people here to make fun of people they deem inferior like this. So what is the entertainment value supposed to be here? You wanna make fun of Renate and that she buys 5 packs a day? You wanna milk a homeless guy's heartbreaking story for clout? You wanna show how the local alcoholic deteriorates within months? It's extremely clear that they are searching for content that as a German, you'd otherwise see on RTL2 reality TV formats, or the BILD newspaper. The fact that the company markets this under the guise of "funny feminism" and that it's for the "Girls, Gays, and Theys" is disgusting. You wanna expose these groups to absolutely disgusting comment sections and turn them into a spectacle to be gawked at? Women to be slutshamed, gay men to be called slurs, trans and nonbinary people ridiculed? I don't know what to say. You aren't woke, you aren't funny, you aren't cool, you aren't an ally. The main motive is to exploit vulnerable people, cut together compromising and dramatic stuff, expose and embarrass people and earn money doing it. People just wanna shop at the closest kiosk, yet now have to go elsewhere because otherwise, they might get a shitstorm in a comment section they can't control, because they were coaxed into some kinda reaction of wore the wrong clothes or bought something deemed odd or bad. Even if the video with them in it does well and is nice, what's the payoff? You are the product, with no compensation! You pay them money for a product and then they try and make even more money off of you! Social media has rotted the kiosk owner's brain and made them see other people as mere opportunities to go viral, no matter what that could possibly mean for them. I hope no one ever enters that store again, and I hope more people alert the LDI NRW to the absolute carelessness of people's privacy rights. This business model should not survive. I don't care that people can just opt not to go in if it bothers them. I think this is a threat not every customer can correctly interpret and decide on, it is predatory, and I don't want this to become a trend and my shopping experience to turn into someone's entertainment and money source. Published 17 Aug, 2026

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ava's blog 2 weeks ago

book: muskism by quinn slobodian and ben tarnoff

Another book I finished in July was Muskism: A Guide for the Perplexed by Quinn Slobodian and Ben Tarnoff. It argues that instead of seeing Musk as an individual or even an exceptional outlier, he should be seen as a symptom of a bigger playbook, something other forces in society brought forward and shaped. Just like Henry Ford is where Fordism gets the name, the authors argue that Muskism is an ideology based on Elon Musk. Musk primarily sells a fantasy: That, if they buy into his walled garden, both individuals and states can be self-reliant, uninterrupted by grid failures, geopolitics and more. This is sold as techno-sovereignty, when it actually makes them rely on Musk himself. He depends on perpetual hype, online trolling/meme warfare, state symbiosis and financial fabulation to convince the public and for his businesses to even survive. In Muskism, everything is code, undesirable people are bugs, and empathy is an exploit. There is a huge focus on vertical integration, lean production, Agile-like processes and being anti-union. Sovereignty is seen as infrastructure instead of just territory, and is much more decided by access to bandwidth, compute, and orbital real estate. Governments everywhere are reliant on few companies to ensure their duties. The authors dive in deep into Musk's personal history: Joshua Haldeman, his maternal grandfather, wrote for the Technocracy Incorporated journal and dreamed of a future in which society was run under the dictatorship of engineers who would allocate resources according to scientific principles. After Canada banned Technocracy in 1940, he emigrated to South Africa with Elon's mother Maye; two years after the National Party introduced apartheid. That is where the embrace of technology as facilitator of self-reliance and hardening of racial inequalities started happening with support from IBM, Ford, and Toyota, as their tech was used, among other things, to count, track, and reallocate Black laborers, enable homegrown industries and nuclear weapons. South Africa was an early "biometric state", where the "Book of Life" identification system recorded racial classifications of every citizen. Pretoria, where Musk was born in 1971, was a prime example of fortress futurism, as it housed the executive offices and government buildings that instated and managed apartheid. As other groups were pushed to segregated townships on the outskirts, the white elite, including Musk, lived in wealthy suburbs like Waterkloof. Black labor was able to be cast aside or drawn from quickly, and entire communities were displaced for cheap industrial sites. Musk's family directly benefited from all of it, and it set the tone for the way Muskism sees most people: As faceless laborers in the background, ready to be added or deleted at a whim, as "NPCs", as he loves to call people. Many of his pursuits relied on state creations and tax payer money: Using free military GPS data for Zip2 maps, using the federally ensured stability of the US financial system for online banking (his attempt at the earlier version of X.com and his resulting PayPal involvement), and the internet, a technology invented by the government. He later grafted himself onto the state via his companies gaining a lot of government contracts: Using the increased military spending and visions of network-centric warfare after 2001 to launch small satellites via SpaceX, and then subsequently getting a $8 million, then a $100 million contract by the DARPA and the Air Force in 2004 and 2005 to build rockets and provide low-cost orbital launch vehicles and services, plus a COTS contract of $278 million in 2006, to name just a few. Later on, this provided the money and power in space to bring Starlink to life, which by 2025, made up about two thirds of all active satellites and is available in over a 100 countries. It also got plenty of government contracts and subsidies, one being $900 million for internet in rural US areas, and a $1.8 billion contract in 2021 for Starshield, a military version of Starlink. Tesla fared the same way, using the fear of foreign oil, the War on Terror and the resulting green/clean tech boom post 2001 to get massive financial funding from the government. According to the book, Diarmuid O'Connell, former chief of staff for George W. Bush's assistant secretary of state for political-military affairs lobbied for Musk and got Tesla a $465 million loan from the Department of Energy in 2008 (under the Advanced Technology Vehicles Manufacturing Loan Program), as without it, Tesla likely would have gone bankrupt. Which means: Taxpayer dollars went to a company that produced a basically unaffordable 100k car with fewer than 200 units in existence back then, just to bail it out. xAI is going the same way of using government money: In July 2025, they announced that they have entered a contract with the Department of Defense to offer a suite of AI products to them. The goal for Musk has always been that governments can only exercise their authority by purchasing services from a monopoly provider, which he tries to be, and at least with SpaceX, is. If the government cedes its sovereignty to an immense degree, it would be forced to buy it back in increments from corporations. Via this government contractor route, his companies can also evade compliance with some regulations. The authors also draw connections between Musk's favorite media and his business decisions as well as product names and more, especially The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy , Star Trek , Battlestar Galactica , Transformers and Robotech . He would grow obsessed with the idea of colonizing space, and with becoming one with the machine, which can be seen not only with Neuralink, but him saying that to avoid AI killing humanity, humanity has to become one with AI. He co-founded OpenAI with Altman over his AI fears. 2022 is when he increasingly started to share right-wing viewpoints, especially talking about the "woke mind virus". For the first time, he seemed to be very pre-occupied with the problem that, in his previously ideal solution of a merged together, cybernetic intelligence cluster of half human, half AI population, there's a risk that the system could become infected. In an interview, he shared his personal horror scenario, in which AI nannies would go around, see that there are too many white men in power, and go kill some - kill him. His fear is that for once, instead of always targeting other groups, he could be targeted and treated like he has treated them, because of rules that infected everyone's mind and turned them against him; rules that he has no control over. This fantasy is also what got him to buy Twitter, use it as a training ground and invent Grok, the "non-woke" AI and its Grokipedia. It's his idea of a safeguard against an army of AI coming to the conclusion that people like him need to be eradicated. He constantly influences the training data (by pushing his tweets artificially and giving them wider reach) and the training itself (by suddenly proclaiming that Grok is giving too woke answers, and adjusting, leading to events like the MechaHitler outburst). Despite his transhumanist ambitions, he does not consider modifying ones body within a gender transition as a good thing. A merger with AI could be dissolving the boundary between the natural and artificial, but it might open other boundaries like gender to be redrawn. But he actually wants to strengthen traditional social hierarchies, so a humanity segmented by gender, race and class is still possible. Don't forget: One reason why he hates his daughter's transition is because he does IVF sex selection and paid specifically for a male sex. He wants total power over how people function and live. His takeaway from South Africa's apartheid is that some humans are born to rule, others to be ruled, and these are the markers needed for that. That was also a big motivator behind DOGE: See the government as a platform, eliminate information silos that were there to ensure legal and privacy safeguards for privileged information, and then prepare systematic overreach, misuse and surveillance by working on ways to integrate information of different agencies into one database, to better "purge" unwanted people. For example, via the SSA's death master file, which cut off people's access to credit cards and bank accounts by declaring them dead - a form of "financial murder", where the goal was either for people to die or to "self-deport". Efficiency, in this case, became an excuse for centralization, and the Trump administration had no problem with it as it further advanced their own goals and made Musk the fall guy, as he got the blame while most things stayed the same. This entire climate paved the way for Palantir's $30 million ImmigrationOS contract with ICE, which promises near real-time visibility for non-citizens. He relies on this sort of oppression to make his businesses and lifestyle possible. To just name one example: The data center in Memphis powering Grok is in a historically Black neighborhood that originated as a community for emancipated slaves (cheap opportunity for him) and the facility's methane gas turbines emit pollutants linked to asthma, respiratory diseases, heart issues, and cancer. You can be sure that this would not be built in the kind of areas Musk grew up in. This is also visible in his increasing focus on fertility and population numbers, alleging a white genocide or a "Great Replacement". Fertility is actually fine in many countries; it's just not the right countries for him, as they aren't white. This is another remnant of his South African upbringing, in which white politicians in the apartheid era warned of being swamped by Black people and wanted to win the "cradle race" by boosting white fertility, and where it was normal for white people to live in their own settlements and schools away from the rest (as he does, with his own schools for his children). It actually is at odds with the rest of his views, as he keeps talking about robot descendants, merging with AI, and that within the next decade, humanoid robots will outnumber humans ten to one. He seems to facilitate a different kind of replacement, and it leaves you wondering what the supposed difference is between an AI-merged, cybernetically enhanced Black man and a white man, or whether human or robot does the "replacement". Why do white birth rates matter if they are going to be surpassed by robots, and if human labor will be less and less needed in his view? Towards the end of the book, the authors suggest 4 ways Musk could move forward - either a return to clean tech and electrification ("Carbon Musk", unlikely), even more state symbiosis ("Contractor Musk", inspired by Palantir's current successes), focusing harder on segregating from the rest via schools/settlements and on his white genocide bullshit ("Compound Musk", inspired by Bezos and Jon Lonsdale doing the same), or doubling down on AI and robots ("Cyborg Musk", with more Neuralink stuff). The book ends with an idea of what the ideal Muskism future could look like, slightly exaggerated at times I think, for comedic effect? Or because our future has sincerely become ridiculous? I can't tell. But I'm glad I read it. Published 10 Aug, 2026

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ava's blog 3 weeks ago

playing the mass effect board game

As a Mass Effect fan, and I am very grateful that my wife gifted me the ( relatively new) board game Mass Effect: Priority Hagalaz :) I am completely smitten with it! You can tell so much thought and love went into it by a huge fan who knows their stuff. The gameplay was translated so well to this format, and the characters and their abilities stay very true to the games. Nothing feels weirdly renamed, missing, or wrong, or too vague. Nothing feels like they had to compromise. All materials are beautifully printed on thick, glossy paper with amazing artwork, consisting of three spiral bound booklets and separate character and scenario sheets to track stuff on. The dice feel great, the tokens are sturdy, you have six character minifigs that are nice, two card stacks that look and feel high quality, and you get a little sack with the Alliance symbol on it and a marker pen with the Mass Effect label on it. Just feels like they went the extra mile with some little details they knew fans would love :) The concept is less a static boardgame, but a whole campaign you can play through with different paths, missions and outcomes. Instead of having to build a map via different physical parts or a map you unfold in each scenario, you open the specific map page in one of the spiral bound books and play on that. Less mess, cooler maps! You use the included colorful stones and marker to track skill progress, XP and unlocked abilities on the character sheets, as well as the tracker for each scenario for what you did or didn't do, and the tracker for the whole campaign. Thanks to the glossy/laminated finish, you can just remove the markings on any material so you can easily play again. There are different starting missions, character loyalty missions, and depending on your choices (what missions to do, who is loyal, how many War Points you get, if you play the scenario as more Paragon or Renegade, etc.) you get different sections in the Story Book, so it's a little like a "Make Your Own Adventure" book where it says " If you did this, continue reading at xyz, if you did the other, read abc ". This is so amazing for replayability! Gameplay-wise, it is easy to get into, but hard to succeed initially. It takes you a bit to get to know how the game expects you to behave and what you should focus on, and it can be difficult. If you do not focus on taking out at least 1-2 enemies each turn of a character (or at least weakening them), you will quickly be completely overrun as new enemies spawn frequently and existing ones get activated after each character turn. While shields recover, health only recovers with medigels you may find in the scenario. Just like the real game, characters love to go down and have to be revived (lol). If Shepard goes down, the scenario fails. As it was our first run through one of the possible routes of the campaign, we gave each other a bit of grace. There were a few moments where we realized we had played wrong (discovering a new rule or that we had applied it wrong, like for example, realizing later that you cannot split movements on the same die), and then either decided to do it right from that moment on, or create a map state as close as possible to how it would have been if we had been playing right. In the Loyalty Mission for Garrus, there's the option to actually monumentally fuck up Shepard's position in a way that completely traps them and makes moving away without dying impossible based on how the map is structured in that spot and due to a specific boss spawning. We agreed that if we had known this trap could occur when the enemy spawns, we would not have positioned Shepard this way or made her run away immediately. As we didn't wanna start over because of this incredibly niche problem/beginner mistake, we agreed to reset to an earlier boardstate as best as possible where Shepard wasn't standing in that horrible spot. I know it's technically cheating, but we really wanna focus on getting to know the game and progressing forward in the story as best as we can while learning :p I'm not sure a non-Mass Effect fan would like it as much; maybe the gameplay isn't convincing enough to stand on its own without the game relation. But for me, it's so fun to get back into a world with these characters again. I love it, and there are expansions announced for it, too! I hope they aren't cancelled, would love to have and play them. Published 08 Aug, 2026

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ava's blog 3 weeks ago

letting an LLM write an indie web parody post

There's certain topics and writing styles that do really well on the indie web; especially on Bearblog's Trending page. There are enough joking and seriously annoyed posts about it every now and then. We cannot stop talking about how tech is bad, analog media is good, blogging is good, and how good RSS is. I was wondering whether LLMs are trained on enough data from here to generate a post that would do really well, and is realistic, while also parodying us bloggers a little. So I prompted: Generate a short to medium sized stereotypical post that could be posted on bearblog.dev that could easily reach Trending, to parody how always the same topics get recycled in the indie web. Make it a little satirical/over the top, but still realistic, just enough to let the viewer know it is a joke, but still enough that it is something someone would really post. And it delivered. Behold. A few weeks ago I archived my notes, closed my 137 browser tabs, and deleted the app that was supposed to organize the apps that organized my life. Nothing happened. The sun still came up. My coffee still got cold because I was busy reading something interesting instead of optimizing my morning routine. I've started carrying a small notebook again. It's imperfect. The pages wrinkle. My handwriting is terrible. But somehow that feels... human? The modern web keeps asking us to produce, optimize, engage, and monetize. The old web just asked us to make a weird page about something we cared about. That's why I like small websites. No algorithm. No growth strategy. No personal brand. Just people quietly existing on the internet. Maybe the future isn't another platform. Maybe it's RSS. Maybe the best software is software that gets out of your way. Maybe the best note-taking app is the one you stop thinking about. Anyway, thanks for reading. If this resonated with you, I'd love to hear your thoughts on your own little corner of the web. A little sidenote at the end roasted us: The parody works because nearly every paragraph contains a familiar indie-web trope: deleting productivity tools, rediscovering notebooks, criticizing algorithms, romanticizing the old web, ending with RSS, making broad philosophical claims from a minor lifestyle change, and closing with a gentle invitation for conversation. making broad philosophical claims from a minor lifestyle change Well, that answered my question. And this marks my first and only (partially) AI-generated post on my blog. Don't worry, I think that will be my last. If you want to check out my stance on AI, here is my tag for it . Published 07 Aug, 2026

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ava's blog 3 weeks ago

seeing the person behind the piece

Edit: This post was being rapidly upvoted by bots for some reason. The issue has been fixed and the fake upvotes removed. Something I noticed as a consequence of online culture and platform design, especially on social media: It is very common online to follow an account not for the person behind it, but the way they present and discuss a topic or niche, even if they aren’t doing this with a professional intent or style. Then when the topics shift or we get tired of the person, people try to find someone else that scratches the itch. It’s like we use people online to engage with topics by proxy, and they are rather replaceable. We don’t just watch crochet videos, we watch this specific person crochet, but not for her as a person, and so on. People seem to have roles to fill in terms of who they follow, and they’ll move on if the role is no longer adequately filled, or the roles change. Feeds are highly curated; too many posts considered off-topic and you are ruining the vibe. In my experience, on the personal web, I really enjoy the culture of people being genuinely interested in learning about someone else. Seems like the general question is “ What’s that person up to? ” There is a wish to see life from the perspective of them, read their diary, explore their interests through their lens, and an acceptance that this person doesn’t necessarily write for you, but more likely for themselves (or at least, also for themselves). From the responses I get via e-mail or blog posts, people seem to respect that this is the specific situation of a stranger, and they’ll compare it with their own. There is a distinct separation. Yet, when my posts breach containment and land on link aggregators or social media, a different crowd shows up. In my experience, people coming from, and heavily using, social media that lets you reshare (reblog/retweet etc) a post onto your own profile tend to read posts as if they are meant to be self-inserts. What I mean is: Every post or article they come across is read as if they are judging whether this crosses a threshold of when they feel like sharing it onto their profiles to be like “ that’s soooo me! ”. Because that’s what happens with, I’d say, most reshares you put your name and picture to: You adopt what this person said and say it too. People find your profile and see everything you reshared as an endorsement, as something you re-say with your own voice. And when this type of person reads my posts, it feels like they do so with tunnel vision, with completely disregarding anything that doesn’t fit into how they see themselves and their own situation. They just wanna plunder my posts for parts that fit enough, so they can plaster it across their feeds as something that represents them, and are mad when there is something in there that is too different from their experience, something they wouldn’t co-sign… and therefore just ignore it or dismiss it, or accuse me of lying. Their responses, while almost never super rude, are at least not empathetic enough in the sense that they write criticisms as if I told a lie about their own life; a life that is extremely different to mine. It seems like for this type of person, the human being behind it doesn’t count at all. Every “content” someone puts out is a meme; further ammo to use to further their view on their own situation, or as self-promotion on their own internet presences. The source is forgettable and irrelevant, because in 5 minutes, they’ll find the next thing to consume. Single use entertainment. It’s just words written by someone else to take into their mouth and spit at the feed 1 , and maybe get upvotes and likes for something they had no hand in. I wouldn’t even mind as much, if it wouldn’t result in a completely warped picture of what I wrote about or what the conclusion is, while posing self-confidently as an expert in the comments trying to give advice or “correct” my experience. And people challenging those is rare because everyone is tired of beefing with random strangers over semantics. Did all this come from the way we are expected to engage with professional content creators who decidedly make mass-appeal content you are support to insert yourself in, and we end up applying it to almost everyone online? How do we feel being treated like a TV channel or magazine? You can be an inspiration, a pastime and distraction to someone; how does that make you feel? Can you withstand the pressure to box yourself in so you are more fitting for the role? Are you beating yourself up for falling short of a label you applied to your blog? Are you already thinking of the brand you have inadvertently built? Are you ready to tear it down over and over again? Published 06 Aug, 2026 Feeds I cannot even properly access or see, because they are all on extremely locked down Mastodon instances which are either completely inaccessible or unusable (bad or no search/content navigation) without an account, which genuinely pisses me off a lot. It's similar to how much info is locked inside Discord servers. You all profit from posting easily accessible public stuff like my blog, but the people create that stuff out cannot even take a peek what you're saying about them. So much for the "better alternatives" and being "open". It's not more open to me than Instagram or X, who also wall their content to death. At least be so kind and send me a direct link via mail, since search engines don't even pick it up either. ↩ Feeds I cannot even properly access or see, because they are all on extremely locked down Mastodon instances which are either completely inaccessible or unusable (bad or no search/content navigation) without an account, which genuinely pisses me off a lot. It's similar to how much info is locked inside Discord servers. You all profit from posting easily accessible public stuff like my blog, but the people create that stuff out cannot even take a peek what you're saying about them. So much for the "better alternatives" and being "open". It's not more open to me than Instagram or X, who also wall their content to death. At least be so kind and send me a direct link via mail, since search engines don't even pick it up either. ↩

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ava's blog 3 weeks ago

show respect - name things correctly

I occasionally come across people who call themselves “almost vegan” “practically vegan” “99% vegan” and similar descriptions. The reasons for that are usually casual in nature: They still want to enjoy grandma’s great cake, they don’t wanna cause a ruckus at the company barbecue, and when it’s pizza night, they can’t say no to a good cheese. But other than that - plantbased. And they quickly want to convey that to someone. I still want to urge others to be precise with language. We have words for “almost vegan”. They’re “vegetarian”, or, depending how you mean it, “flexitarian”. When you say you are vegetarian, people will understand that you refuse to consume certain animal products, but still eat some. When you label yourself a flexitarian, it suggests to others that you made the decision to reduce the animal products you consume, but you still consume them. Meanwhile, “vegan” is more restrictive. It is supposed to tell the listener that the person avoids consuming animal products as far as is possible and practicable. People like to forget the latter part, but this is the exception needed for emergencies, medicine and similar pressing matters. And this also applies to non-food items, something I don’t see many vegetarians practicing. When you are saying you are “ basically vegan, but still eat xyz ”, you are making things complicated for others, and reduce the lifestyle choice to merely food intake. I’ve been vegan since 2019. Education about different ways to eat/live is still lacking, and I’ll still encounter people who have trouble keeping vegan and vegetarian apart. “ You eat no animal products? What about eggs? And fish? Wow, no fish! And what about milk? ” and I think, unfortunately, one puzzle piece of it is that what vegetarians do seems willfully inconsistent to most omnivorous people, and makes it hard for them to remember who eats what. They wonder: “ If meat is so unethical, why not milk and eggs too, coming from similar conditions? Why still choose to eat fish, when that is also an animal carcass, and technically meat? ” And then you come on top, saying you’re vegan but still eat this or that animal product, adding to the confusion. You’re then becoming the person people bring up to me like “ But so-and-so is vegan and still eats cheese! ”. Please don’t further add to confusion. Make it easy for people to understand your boundaries and lifestyle, make it easy for them to cook and bake for you if they want to do that. I’ve been wondering: What makes the vegan label so attractive to people who are not vegan? After all, vegans are not very popular. Some people will know none personally, yet have a passionate (hateful) opinion about them. Others invent weird strawmen of the hypocritical vegan who preaches to others and yet flies 200 days a year while gorging themselves on avocados and almonds. Allegedly, the vegan will harass anyone at the table, brings the mood down and makes everyone uncomfortable. They’re extremists and privileged, some say veganism is classist and racist. So what is there to gain? I hypothesize that deep down, surprisingly many people actually have no problem with veganism and think it is good, and that they’d also live that way if it was easier for them - maybe cheaper products, better recipes, better replacement products, better and bigger selection of vegan products everywhere, normalized in society, their caregivers agree to enable it, possible with their illness or allergies, and so on. So they do what they can (for example, becoming vegetarian), but reach their current limit. It hurts though, to be aware of an ideal you have and falling short of it. You know what you think is right, yet you feel hindered from acting like it. This dissonance is unbearable at times, especially when you see others living the life you want to live, or feel like you have to justify yourself in front of others whenever this topic comes up (vegans can tell you all about this awful stage before they finally made the jump!). It usually goes as follows: Person makes an impassioned speech about how eating animals is wrong, and to not seem like a total hypocrite, they follow it up with “I am basically vegan”. It’s supposed to convey: I am almost there, this is just an embarrassing temporary situation, I totally know what’s right, and these exceptions shouldn’t count much! They’re practically non-existent! But I don’t think this is serving you well. In the moment, it saves you some embarrassment and makes you feel better about falling short of your ideal, but further on, it just minimizes your actions and doesn’t hold you to the standards you want to fulfill. It protects you from facing the fact that, yes, no matter how strongly you have reduced anything, you are still by definition a vegetarian (or flexitarian), which means you eating cheese once a week falls under the same umbrella term as vegetarian Aunt Emma who still eats eggs and milk daily and fish on Fridays. It feels unfair, but that is how it is. I also understand that it feels better for some people to claim the harsher, more extreme, more difficult label (in anything, really) because there is some clout in it. You might want the image of being someone who is doing something that is uncommon and regarded as difficult, someone that is going against the grain to do something good; you want the valor, and maybe you wanna come off as morally superior. But you cannot get the valor without doing the work. Your friends still see you eating that kebab while drunk, no matter what you say otherwise. You’re losing credibility, and people might come to the conclusion that you don’t practice what you preach. Plus, you are not going to build rapport with vegans when you do this, no matter if you might do this to impress them. It comes down to respect for me. If you want to acknowledge that veganism is worth doing, but it is difficult and you cannot do it right now, then leave the label to those who can, and acknowledge where you fall short. This isn’t about punishing people who do what they can - even little counts - but about using language correctly, and making it easy for people to understand your habits and lifestyle. You would also not seriously say any of the following: (Though I have to say, saying them as a joke is funny.) So continue to be precise in this aspect as well. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying “I’m vegetarian.” or “I avoid animal products except cheese.” or “I prefer to eat vegan options, but not all the time.” Published 03 Aug, 2026 “I don’t drink liquor, just beer and wine. I’m almost sober.” “I jog twice a week. I’m basically an athlete.” “I can order tapas in Spanish. I’m kinda bilingual.” “I have a few houseplants. I’m practically a botanist.”

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ava's blog 4 weeks ago

book: whipping girl by julia serano

During my break in July, I said I wouldn't read. I partially lied! I did not read any papers, blog posts, or most news articles, and I initially wanted to extend that to books as well. But I ended up ordering and reading some, and one of them was Whipping Girl! Originally released in 2007 and edited a bit in 2015 and with an afterword from 2023, it is a tad older, but such a foundational work in gender studies. It's a feminist analysis about how femininity is punished in society, specifically illustrated on the hatred on, and cissexism enacted against, trans women and their representation in media. It discusses common models of thinking about gender (gender essentialism vs. social constructionism) and where they fall short, as well as different kinds of feminism (and why feminism needs to be trans-inclusive) and theories as to why people are trans that do not serve trans people. It's specifically mentioning trans-objectification (= disregarding trans people as living human beings, reducing them to an unfeeling thing you can speculate over and ask invasive questions, an anomaly to demonize, ridicule, exploit or fetishize), trans-fascimilation (= portraying trans genders as facsimiles of cisgender ones), trans-sexualization (= asserting that trans women transition to attract sexual desire, to attract men, or to become the women they're attracted to; relegating them to a fetish, as merely sex workers, perverts, exotic fucks etc.), trans-interrogation (= obsessively focusing on the reasons why trans people exist, pathologizing them), trans-erasure (= silencing trans voices and preventing them from being visible and coming out, prioritizing cis people's theories and feelings), trans-exclusion (= excluding trans people from events and spaces based on their trans status), and trans-mystification (= turning transition into a taboo, a hidden secret, a scandal instead of a real and mundane thing) as ways trans people, often specifically trans women, are harmed in society. It also covers the way trans people have been historically (mis)treated and mischaracterized by the medical world without giving them a chance to speak, and the way gender transition has been gatekept by dehumanizing standards like attractiveness, sexual orientation, sterilization, secrecy about the trans status, and more, resulting in only letting a small amount of people transition at all, and only if they were most willing to comply with cis expectations and also had the resources (money, changing jobs, moving away etc.). Any gatekeeping of transition resources is done for the well-being of the cis population, and especially the extremely, extremely small portion of them who could transition and regret it, and is never actually done for the well-being of trans people. This is possible because, despite many people rejecting ideas of attaining social status, occupation, political power etc. via birth right (casteism, for example), cis society has no problem seeing gender as a birth right, something you inherit and cannot gain otherwise, and is otherwise not as legit as theirs. This further leads to the ridiculous double-standards and unfair judgment trans women are subjected to: Act feminine, and you are seen as a parody, a facsimile of a woman, a costume, or "leading someone on"; act masculine, and it is deemed a sign of a "true male identity", as not even trying, as a joke for media. Pseudofeminists say women can do anything men can and should be strong and unafraid to speak their minds, yet ridicule trans women for behaviors deemed masculine, especially when they speak out about their oppression. They create standards of what makes someone a "real woman", yet reject the same when men do it. Crossdressing is fine for women and is, technically, done on the daily when you're wearing pants - yet a man wearing a skirt is already classified as a mental illness and used to historically focus on men only ( Transvestic Disorder (F65.1)). The book asserts that the mechanisms behind it are traditional sexism (the belief that maleness and masculinity are superior to femaleness and femininity, and the delegitimization of the latter as weak and artificial), and oppositional sexism (the belief that female and male are rigid, mutually exclusive categories, and the delegitimization of gender non-conformity). Through effemimania (the word she coins for the societal obsession with transfem expressions of femininity), cissexist society is wielding transmisogyny against trans women. She also partially calls out feminists who have aided the societal view that femininity is artificial and needs to be abolished, which is misogynistic and alienates people who naturally gravitate to, perhaps "perform", femininity. Other than that, Julia Serano also develops the intrinsic inclinations model in the book as a path between either bioessentialist ideas or the idea that gender is merely a social construct, opting instead to say that there are both biological and social components to why someone is trans. She also covers how cis people take their gender for granted, as it just happened to be congruent and likely never questioned by them or others in their life, and therefore often doubt that one could "feel like" a specific gender, even though they do, too. If this wouldn't be the case, we wouldn't have so many gender-affirming surgeries and treatments for cis people, and many would freely transition to better fit a role in a movie, go undercover, or to succeed in a field dominated by another gender - but they don't. As an outlook on the future of queer/trans communities and politics, the book explains why identity politics and subversivism in queer/trans spaces are not beneficial; genders outside the gender binary shouldn't be seen as more radical and "good" while binary trans people are seen as "bad" or "reinforcing the gender binary". Alliances are more important than understanding us all as one group, as this has the chance of brushing over different needs and experiences that need to be addressed without being called "divisive". Overall, I found it very pleasant and engaging to read, and one could tell (in a positive and delightful way) that a lot of the book consisted of separate essays published elsewhere before they were combined. It didn't read to me as a particularly dry "book-writing style", no vibe of "I'll sit down to write a whole book now and talk down to readers in a clinical way", but something that could be published in a series of posts on personal blogs musing on social topics nowadays, which made me wish more bloggers would opt to release their works as different chapters in a book some time, instead of leaving them spread on platforms like Substack. Despite the patchwork, the entire book felt so cohesive, in a great order, and approachable, like a longer blog post, but without losing depth or attention. It felt very satisfying how thoroughly Julia Serano covers and debunks everything and still manages to not lose you, to lead from one thing to another with such ease. It was a cathartic read, with a marker in hand. I'm surrounded by trans people and have witnessed online trans discourse since I was about 17, but even I found some sections in the book more difficult to understand with the mixing of terms and knowing a different version of the used concepts and definitions; especially in regards to "transsexual" and "transgender". So in some sentences, both words were used interchangeably or one as umbrella term, but in other sections, they described different things. As the work is older, many concepts, words etc. have evolved and changed quite a bit, and some ideas have become very unpopular. I have also never seen anyone online hold on to the idea that there are 'transgender cissexuals' or vice versa, but this is discussed in the book, and some of it might be labeled transmedicalist. I think it helps to discuss some things in there with trans people you know (if they are genuinely interested to, and you're not burdening them). I don't know if I would give this to anyone that is a complete newbie to the topic for that reason; it's not a "I'm coming out, to understand me, go read this.", especially when some of it is no longer the default in discourse, but it's still something people should have read if they are not entirely new to gender discourse or queer history. Let me end this post with a quote from the Afterword: "As I said at the start, I cannot say how this particular anti-trans moral panic will end. But what I do know is this: efforts to eliminate trans people will never succeed, because we are part of natural variation, and we will persist as long as human beings exist. Anti-trans activists may strive to "disappear" us like they did during the twentieth century, but that outcome is no longer possible. Back when I was a trans kid, we were isolated from one another - quarantined, if you will - due to a lack of access to information and reliable ways to communicate with one another. But now we live in a hyperconnected world, and there are countless trans-centered books, artworks, media and organizations that share our perspectives and trans-related resources. Anti-trans activists may attempt to ban books about us from libraries and censor discussions about us in school settings, but they cannot stop us from finding one another online or elsewhere. Now that we know how many of us there are, we will continue to seek out and learn from one another. Trans people have always been resourceful and resilient, and nobody can take that away from us. " Published 02 Aug, 2026

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ava's blog 4 weeks ago

we don't shame smart glasses wearers enough

Wombat sent me the above picture: A physical ad by Apple on a big canvas. Pictured is a person hiding their face with their iPhone, but therefore actually pointing the camera at the people seeing the ad. It says: " Safari. A browser that's actually private. " and " Privacy. That's iPhone. " It's accidentally perfectly demonstrating the limitations in current popular privacy discourse and movement: The fact that devices or software may claim to keep the users private, but not people in general, especially not the people the users point these devices at. Privacy, as it is commonly practiced and advertised, is for the person inflicting the damage onto their surroundings, not their surroundings. Privacy, in the mainstream, is seen as this highly personal, individualized thing; something you buy into, switch into, invest time becoming "good" at. Everyone is fending for themselves, arming up on their own. Your choices seem to reflect something about your values and how well you understand the topic. The goalposts get moved fairly frequently: " Oh you still use that company? They aren't actually that good. Switch to the other one instead. " " Wait, you think only using this browser extension and a VPN is enough? You are a dumb little child. If you don't use these more extreme measures, you might as well not try. " It lends itself to a certain demographic cosplaying as state targets and playing evil hacker because they feel cool using Kali Linux. Meanwhile, a lot of popular privacy content online is essentially a whole ad break, together with bad news about what Big Tech recently did that you can then reshare with people to get upset about together, driving up engagement and that's it. It doesn't tell you why something is bad, what you can do to stop it, what rights you have, or other actionable steps besides " Switch if you can, I guess. But use my sign-up code and/or subscribe to the newsletter. ". At other times, it's just empty complaining - what should be, could be, maybe is illegal, but no drive to find out, confirm, or what initiatives and ways exist to make it so. The general message often seems to be: If you don't conform to what is currently being recommended by this or that privacy community, you shouldn't complain. You did it to yourself! You chose to use all that and not switch. Therefore, you invited it and were okay with this happening to you. Or otherwise: It is all futile. I'm not going to pretend people do not have any agency in what products they use, and I am always in favor of people switching to less bad alternatives. Otherwise, I would not have no accounts on social media platforms and not use Linux or Tuta, for example. However, it is also incredibly stupid to pretend the change towards better alternatives is always effortless and affordable, or that competitors are always comparable or even exist. Even Apple has spotted the potential goldmine of privacy a while ago, not just to set themselves apart from data-hungry competitor Google, but also recognizing that in our current society, privacy is a privilege and is becoming one more and more. Knowing the "right" products and being able to buy into them is a flex, it sets you apart. You can feel like you are treating yourself, like you are investing into a good thing. Understanding privacy as a right, being informed about what tech companies do, and what effects it has or can have on your life and the lives of others and then also doing something about it is a highly intellectual affair that many of us in the privacy space underestimate. It perfectly fits to Apple's health-conscious, society-conscious, upper class brand image. We tend to underestimate how costly it can really be to no longer want to support certain companies, be in control of our own data, and no longer be the product being sold. From your own VPS to domains and paying for traffic, YubiKeys etc., a new PC that is more compatible with a Linux distro, an iPhone (or if you can, replacing whatever you have with a phone that can run GrapheneOS), the much higher priced plan on other email suite providers than it is on Google, paying for search engines, paying for a reputable VPN provider, and so on. Do you have to do all that? No. Lots of privacy-respecting stuff is FOSS, and not everyone has the same need for privacy (compare the average Joe to an investigative journalist!). But not all of it is free; a lot of products in the privacy space might have a free tier, but their other tiers simply offer more (alleged) privacy. That doesn't even touch the costs of just not playing the game - not having a smartphone, not having social media, and so on. All of it leaves out that you can go to the most extreme measures and are still victim of the privacy practices of others. The best privacy-conscious service can still leak your data. Your devices can still become compromised. Your family members, friends, partner(s), coworkers and the like still have pictures of you on their phone which sync to the cloud, still chat with you on their data-hungry devices, still put information about you in an LLM or nudify a picture of you, still navigate to your address with Google Maps, and post your group selfie on Instagram or Facebook. When you enter their homes, you are in the presence of home assistants like Alexa, or their indoor pet cameras. When you walk outside, you are increasingly filmed with strangers' doorbell Ring cameras. You sit in restaurants and cafés, and walk through the city, while being in the background of some YouTube videos and TikTok dances. People film and post you without your knowledge or consent to gain internet likes because you looked odd. Cars have more and more sensors and cameras for both the people inside and the world outside. Cities everywhere are investing into AI-assisted camera surveillance and make contracts with Palantir and Flock. More and more law enforcement is wearing body cams (for both good and bad reasons). And, of course, you got people walking around with smart glasses now! Surveillance is fun when you're the one doing it; after all, we have always had people in our society that love being informers, block wardens and spies. Now, by appealing to the feeling of having control over others, documenting all our lives, having video proof of interactions and even more material to feed into LLMs for self-optimization, large corporations market their new surveillance systems for private use under the guise of individual security, productivity or entertainment, which ultimately undermines the security and freedom of us all. Webaligo fittingly writes: " The cost of comprehensive surveillance has fallen so far, so fast, that the central reason tyranny used to burn itself out - the sheer human expense of paying enough people to watch everyone else - has simply evaporated. The bottleneck is gone. You no longer need a nation of informers. You need a vendor contract. " This is where we need to come together, and aside from structural changes, make it personal. When someone buys and wears smart glasses, it should be made clear to them that they are considered a massive asshole committing a social fauxpas and are unwelcome in any space. It doesn't even matter much that they are a mindless consumer following tech trends without question; they wouldn't be alone in that, and that is not a crime. But: They are trading the rights of others for the chance at cosplaying a Sci-Fi movie until the novelty wears off. They try to flex with an expensive product with an inherent power imbalance between wearer and environment to compensate for something. They choose to invest a lot of money into ethically untenable companies for a product that is entirely optional and does not add any value. After all, we have object and facial recognition capabilities already built into our fucking brains. They are fine with being seen as a creep who is filming and taking pictures of people without their consent, even children, and adding to the general constant surveillance of us all. These glasses are also vulnerable to attacks, and I'm sure if nudifier apps are already a thing now, it won't take long for live nudification on the glasses. Them wearing smart glasses is in solidarity with the panopticon we are in, with all the pranksters, pickup artist, street interviewers and other online scum who embarrass, scare and harass strangers (especially women) to generate views on social media, and all the disgusting people who generate nudes of people non-consensually via AI. All that is its main draw, its main purpose, its main user group. Smart glasses wearers can tell people all they want that they are not like that, but no one should believe that. They rely on people not being able to spot the glasses, not knowing what the consequences are, or not knowing what the recording light is for, and their reassurances are worthless as other wearers modify their glasses so the recording light is always off. Meta is also currently testing a prototype feature called "super sensing" where the glasses would always record, all day - that's the goal. There is no justification for wanting to have the features it has if you are not morally bankrupt. You have to understand that the wearers are playing a significant part in not only gathering faces in motion (for companies like Clearview.AI), but also training spatial data for AI to act in three-dimensional space - eye, head and body movements, hand-eye-coordination and more. This, undoubtedly, will not only be used in autonomous AI weapons, but any context where bots are supposed to replace humans negatively. There is only so much shit you can gather underneath your shoes before you can no longer blame everyone else for thinking you're the asshole; or rather, glasshole . So don't let them off the hook about owning the pervert glasses. Don't let it go. Ask them if they're recording, or better, ask them to take them off. Tell them being a walking CCTV for daddy Zuckerberg isn't a personality and no one is impressed about another tech bro who can't experience reality and has to dehumanize everyone around them to feel good. Kick them out. Published 01 Aug, 2026

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ava's blog 1 months ago

rose ▪ bud ▪ thorn - july 2026

The stickers I bought at the convention, and a card I got for free with it. Me playing MtG in a stuffy gym hall at 33 degrees Celsius. Oof. Got my nails done. New matcha order arrived. Sushi my wife made. Self portrait. But with alien eyes. My FFXIV character. Published 31 Jul, 2026 The break from everything went well. I'm enjoying the mindset shift it brought, and am appreciating that I'm currently putting my focus elsewhere; on my comfort, my rest, my play, my relationships, instead of being highly ambitious in so much else. I've also gotten rid of some unnecessary people-pleasing behavior that had emerged especially around this blog. I feel more protective and selective over who or what I give my attention and efforts to. I read a nice amount of books, and I have some blog posts scheduled about them. I started playing FFXIV. I'm now a Level 55 Black Mage; I'm otherwise a big fan of Miner, Botanist, and Fisher. Still trying to figure out the Red Mage stuff. Please add me if you want: I'm on EU Light Data Center on Raiden, character is called Ava Nehalennia. Went to a faerie convention with lots of artists, board and card games. My MtG proxy decks arrived. I made a bug deck with Fumulus as commander, and a poison deck with Vishgraz. Got to play them at the event, and I am very very happy with them! I made more art. A self portrait, and a longer project with a night sky and clouds I'm still working on. I finally reached a new personal best on the treadmill: I jogged 5km straight without pause. Took 48 minutes because I'm a bit slow for now. I got an AeroPress and am experimenting with it. I tried out a new matcha cafe! Review coming soon on my matcha blog . I got lucky and was able to get the Stardew Valley MtG Secret Lair drop! I bought the "Welcome to Stardew Valley" Non-Foil bundle. The aforementioned art project. I'm working on one day running 5km in 30 minutes (a reduction of 18 minutes). I wanna build up my stamina to be able to ride my bike to work (27km one way, roughly 1.5h). I also wanna get it repaired, finally. My body had a weird flare up of my Bechterew's disease. Weirdness around my sacroiliac joints, neck inflammation and extremely fatigued days. It caused some regression in my strength training, because I had to essentially lie around and wait until it's over for a couple days. Then I promptly angered my neck again and couldn't go to the gym anymore. I struggled with deep disillusionment about my goals and ambitions, about anything outside my home really... and the effort I put into things. I just don't feel like anything (broadly) gives back the kind of effort I put in; no matter if in the area of work, volunteering, people, the systems I pay into or donate to, my hobbies or my studies. It all feels sort of pointless, and right now I am not in the mindset to appreciate these things anyway or just enjoy the path with nothing expected in return. Maybe I'll get my spark back the next few weeks. I've had to cry a lot because of some unexpected interpersonal issues and tough conversations, and accidentally took too much of a medicine to calm me down.

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ava's blog 2 months ago

the first six months of 2026

First half of the year has passed, only half of the year left. 2026 is a difficult year for me so far. At the end of 2025, I wished for more rest this year. I didn’t do that yet. I pushed harder in different ways and I just can’t keep doing that. For 1.5 years now, I have been going extra hard in everything I do - I asked for more work at work, I created new opportunities and roles for me there, I blogged longer informative posts that took a lot of my knowledge and research, I completed more exams in my part time degree than ever before, I started and finished the certificate to be a data protection consultant, I attended conferences, I started volunteering, I went harder on my fitness, and so on. I do that to make up for my severe illness in 2024 and because of how a chronic illness turns everything into a pressing matter (fear of relapse, fear of no longer getting to do something, urge to maximize good times etc); and I can no longer keep it up. I need a longer break where I can just exist. I need to allow myself to do less in my part time degree and accept that it will postpone my graduation, I need to stop doing court case summaries for a month for noyb, I need to stop blogging for a while so I am not always working on some big essays and reading sources and running to keep up with articles and papers, and so I don’t always have a full inbox with like 50 emails to answer. I need to stop reading my web reader (RSS) and the Discover page. I can’t scale back work, so it has to be everything else. I want to enjoy life for a while and not always feel like I got something to prove, something to chase, something to keep up, something to get back to as soon as possible. And the thing is, I had so much fun stuff planned the first half of this year. I didn’t build those experiences up in my head and I didn’t have unrealistic standards, yet all of them kinda left a bad taste in my mouth when they happened. Travels, courses, conferences, restaurants, whatever. Everything I looked forward to had something difficult and disappointing about it, or had this Monkey’s Paw thing I mentioned in my other post. So I no longer feel like even planning nice things for myself and my wife. I’d rather save the energy, time and money. And that's sad, so I need to take some time to change that. It adds to the general burnout. I notice my impatience is worse, I get snappier, less forgiving, feeling more like someone’s fault or error is done in malice rather than accidental or born out of cluelessness/obliviousness. I no longer want to explain anything, elaborate, or help people, because I feel like I have to conserve my energy and efforts, as most interactions with others have a severe imbalance where I do most of the work. This would be the opposite if I wasn’t feeling burnt out. I react more defensively than usual if you point out small, irrelevant, inconsequential mistakes or make small requests for things I don’t care about changing. I retreat, I wanna be alone more, I wanna focus even more on personal projects that only involve me in isolation (and no other people, location, etc.) because those don’t let me down. I crave social interaction, yet listening to people or reading what they write is like nails on a chalk board. It’s a confusing time to be in, because I more or less get everything I want with some exceptions, but in a warped way where it doesn’t make me happy and is always accompanied with some annoying twist or extra price (figuratively). Nothing just flows. I have to micromanage everything and deal with ridiculous hurdles. I have stress “dreams” where I am half asleep, having hypnagogic hallucinations how it’s my turn in something (usually a board or card game happening on my bed) and I can’t figure out what people want me to do and they get impatient and urge me to finally hurry up, so I flee (sleepwalk around the apartment) before waking up and walking back to bed. In other such dreams, I am convinced I forgot to do something I promised I would do in a different reality/parallel world (?), but I can’t quite understand what I owe and how to do that thing, it’s incredibly vague and confusing, and I walk away from the bed to avoid the harassment by these dream people about it until I wake up and walk back as well. Those two repeat so often. Probably once a week. The feelings don’t leave me after I wake up, like I genuinely feel guilty and stressed even when awake and my brain still tries to decipher what I forgot to do and what I owe and that I’m running out of time? I haven’t bored myself purposefully nearly as much as I want to, need to and used to. There is always a blog post I want to write or continue; an article, book, blog post or paper to read; a video to watch; something to study; work; gym. I notice I'm desperately craving to do these things, and do them, yet also feel like I have to force myself through it. Like it takes an intense amount of energy and focus. I need a lot more time to do them, lots of micro breaks and distractions, and it all feels so difficult internally. I feel exhausted. Even when stuff is very easy and I want to do it. It’s like my brain is full, nauseous, sick. It screams at me to stop. My memory/retention is so shit, too. I have never said " I don't remember that. " ever as much in my life as I did this month. What adds to me not being able to stop is that it all feels mundane and harmless. Just one more thing. And they’re all things I do all the time, and things I am expecting myself to do, that are standard function, default. I understand when others burn out because bad timing of horrific events, like their house burned down while the pet is sick and grandma died and they just lost your job or something. Or: Insanely stressful high stakes job working 50-70 hours a week. But none of that applies to me. I just do normal things. And I don’t wanna be someone who does less. I want to do it all. My chronic illnesses play into it. You can be chronically ill, but you are supposed to work and act like everyone else and achieve things and work on yourself. You cannot be visibly ill, you cannot do markedly less, you cannot struggle with a basic task or workload. You cannot let yourself go. You cannot waste yourself. Otherwise you are giving in, you’re a lost cause, you do nothing to help yourself, you make your illness your personality, you use your illness as an excuse. You’re not an inspiration, and that’s kinda all you’re good for if you are forever sick. You are supposed to reassure everyone that chronic illness doesn’t alter life much and that life can go on unchanged and you can totally achieve everything you would have if you weren’t sick. If you cannot be used for this cause, you are discarded by society. There is a pressure to not let that happen to me, especially when my wife depends on me. Anyway, before I end up in the kind of burnout that makes you completely unable to work a job for most of your life, I have to change things. Just putting some self care things on my todo list doesn’t help, as it is just another obligation and doesn’t make me feel better. I just put it on the list because it is supposed to be good for me and a productive way to deal with stress. Like, what sounds better in our current society: That you slept all day to rest and watched some Simpsons, or that you did some yoga and then had a bath with 5 products to make you prettier and then journaled and then went on a walk? But I actually need to do the former for once. Which is what I have been doing a lot the past week. Lounging around, letting my mind wander, napping, just existing and breathing, like a cat sprawled on the sofa. I need to do things freely, and not do straining things all day, and let myself not do things that you can be measurably good or bad at. No care about consistency. I feel like I arrived at small versions of this burnout every now and then over the years, did something to help it for a while, and then experienced it again. And every time, it took a shorter while to relapse, and it felt worse, and it felt like I needed more rest and relaxation than I could realistically give. I only ever gave enough to function again, to make it work, to take the edge off, delay the worst. Like a day here and there doing little to nothing. Nothing more, no changed behavior moving forward. Something has to change permanently so I don't always run into this same issue over and over again, risking my mental health and my ability to do my hobbies and work. :) I still have to figure out where my sweet spot is between my ambition and what my body can give. I don't mind giving 200% for a time, just not forever. It seems like 1.5 years is my limit. With that said, I am gone the entirety of July. I won't blog 1 , I won't reply to emails until August, I won't read your posts. Friends can still reach me via Matrix and Signal. Reply via email Published 30 Jun, 2026 There is one announcement that I'll likely publish, that's it. ↩ There is one announcement that I'll likely publish, that's it. ↩

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ava's blog 2 months ago

rose ▪ bud ▪ thorn - june 2026

Reply via email Published 30 Jun, 2026 My wife and I visited a jewelry-making class, and I made a ring! We met cool new people to play Magic the Gathering with. I bought new furniture for my home to use the space for efficiently, and I love the new setup. My wife baked incredibly gorgeous and tasty bread. It's pride month, and my balcony has a rainbow flag and a trans flag flying for the time. I bought a little alien plushie, and two new books. I found new black tea I enjoy! Golden Seylom from Laos. I accidentally ordered way too much, but that's ok. I'm proud of the progress I make at the gym and the visual changes in my body. Been more into music this month, and rediscovering music I haven't listened to in years, or new songs by those artists I had missed in the meantime (from Tame Impala and JAWNY, mostly). Managed to do an injection all by myself for the first time. Cold water was restored in my apartment (context: for almost 3 weeks, I only had hot water). Finding new/additional furniture for kitchen and bathroom to have more storage there as well. Going to take a step back in July and not read my RSS feed, the Discover page, not blog, not read any articles or papers, etc. to truly focus on recovering from stress, do less in total, and relax. I hope I can do it, and I hope I don't immediately feel like catching up afterwards and land right back where I started mentally. Building up the new role of data protection coordinator at my workplace has been extremely messy. I struggle against the general culture of distrust, hierarchies and knee-jerk rejection of anything new, and hatred of anything data protection related. I've been having so many meetings, and I have so much to prove. It feels like I have 3 people on my side, and that is it. Scheduling meetups with people was hard! There is always something going on, which is understandable, but still frustrating. I wish I could see some people more and keep more in contact :( I miss forced proximity. I felt like I had to chase after too many things for a follow-up or a reply lately. I asked people to hang out, received answers after days had passed, sometimes even after the suggested date had already passed. I called a company to fix my water issue, they said they’d call back, they never did. I wrote an email to my building management, no reply. Had to call them and sit through a phone queue to get through to them. It’s like I have to beg for crumbs and keep on top of everything because the other side just cares less or not at all. I felt like while many of my wishes and desires come true, it ends up being a monkey's paw situation, where the result has a strong downside or is implemented as shittily as possible. I struggled with a bad mental health episode that is now over, and a lack of appetite and some sleep issues. I seem to have become a lot more sensitive to violence and gross stuff in media, so I had to stop watching some series (for now) or risk going to bed in a sad and anxious mood. I had to have some tough private discussions. Found out the office layout is getting restructured in July and I’m getting moved from my office into a shittier one with different people. It shouldn’t bother me this much, but it does. I’m really mentally attached to keeping things how they are in my office environment and always having the same desk to go to, and this will destabilize me for a while, even if it’s something very small to others. I’m a bit oversensitive in this regard, and always have been. What makes it harder is that while the move is mandated from above, it is completely disorganized and no one seems to be tasked with doing or planning it properly, so that creates more uncertainty and anxiety for me. If I come into the office and it's suddenly done without warning, I might have a full on meltdown in the toilet, which would be annoying and embarrassing, and something I would like to avoid. The less fun effects of autism.

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ava's blog 2 months ago

enduring the heat wave in germany

I live in an apartment that first gets heated up on one side before noon, then later from the other side. My kitchen is especially hot each year because it has a huge bay window with no shutters installed. My strategies for keeping cool have been to air out everything at night, and if possible draw in and circulate air via a fan during some of it. Then as soon as the sun is coming up, closing windows, lowering the existing outside shutters so the sun can’t heat up the glass or insides, and always keeping the kitchen door closed so the heat is contained within. I avoid opening the windows during the day to not let heat in, except if I really need fresh air or the humidity is too high. Humidity is the thing that is wrecking us the most in this, which is why it is often futile to ask people elsewhere how they deal with these high temperatures when those people live in very dry climates. The humidity messes with your body’s ability to exude heat, and in worst case, results in the wet bulb effect . That is also why even people from hotter countries can suddenly struggle elsewhere (like Europe), together with the angle at which sunlight hits Earth at that area being different (a lower sun angle spreads the same amount of energy over a larger area, making it feel cooler, while a higher angle concentrates energy on a smaller area, increasing warmth). This is why fans with water cooling and tips like hanging a wet T-shirt in front of a fan, constantly misting yourself or wearing wet clothes etc. can sort of backfire and make your home a bit more unbearable, depending on the circumstances. I also have a fan with water cooling with optional cooling bricks/batteries, and it’s currently on because we hang out in front of it, but I’m mindful of when I turn that mode on and for how long. In the next few weeks, we are planning to add sun protection foil to some windows, and when the extreme demand is over in fall, I’ll buy a Midea Porta Split and install it in the living room. Good tips in general, some summarized from above: Hydrate a lot, even before you are actually thirsty. Stay inside if possible. Keep the added humidity to a minimum. Know what you are trying to do with drinks and showers. Cool drinks and showers offer relief, but can make you heat up after. Hot beverages and showers can make everything feel cooler after and help you sweat. I like both, depending on the situation. Wrap ice packs or similar stuff in a towel and put them under your feet or in your armpits. If possible, lower shutters so the sun cannot heat up the interior and the glass. Maybe install sun protection foil on windows (most are plant-friendly). I’ve also seen others provisionally use those reflecting covers for cars on their windows, or aluminium foil. Make sure that if it’s behind the glass, the heat won’t be trapped and make the glass crack, so preferably attach it on the outside. Sunscreen, wide breathable and covering clothing, sun umbrellas and hats. During fall/winter, maybe during Black Friday sales, get a portable split cooling system. Portables do not need structural changes to the building, which is why they tend to be allowed in rental units as they can be removed without a trace and aren’t in use all year. Shitty landlords might get mad to see it in your window, but in many countries, there already is positive case law about them and the usual AC dismissals don’t apply to them. Set out flat bowls of water in the shadow for wild animals and refill. Consider different ones for different sizes (a flat one with stone pebbles for insects, a relatively flat but water-only one for hedgehogs etc., one bird bath…). Use cool tiles and cooling mats for pets. Keep an eye out for baby birds who flee their overheated nests too early; maybe you can save some of them. Especially bitdd who live in attics and roofs are dying right now (swifts etc.) If possible and you can plan the shipment, avoid deliveries. Keep water around for delivery personnel. Eat smaller snacks and portions spread out throughout the day instead of big meals so your body doesn’t heat up as much during digestion. Leave the windows open all day. Let the sun heat up your interior, if possible; try at least covering windows with blankets if there are no shutters. Set out water for animals where it heats up drastically, or in a beverage where they might become trapped and drown. Walk your dog when the ground is heated up - asphalt burns happen quickly past 25 degrees Celsius. Fall for scalpers, scammers and increased prices for ACs and fans who are using the current demand and availability issues for profit. The Porta Split I mean to get can be bought for 550-750 Euro under normal circumstances, now during the heat wave, prices have exploded to over 1.4k. Only buy that if it is an emergency. Think fans or ACs can make you sick. This is a widely held belief especially in older generations in Germany at least, together with the myth that any wind can cause a cold and stiff neck. It is bullshit. It’s a big reason why this country is not prepared for this heat and there’s a 20% adoption rate for ACs here. Think you need to keep the fan off or not buy one at all because of the electricity bill. The increase is lower for newer models and for the few days you need to use it (more) (for now). You are also not meaningfully contributing to climate change with this increased energy use. Like, come on, they wanna build entire data centers eating away gigawatts, your heat protection is not the issue here. Still, all of these tend to be hyperindividualistic solutions, just like when Covid happened, and we need more widespread, structural solutions. Not everyone can stay home; many people still have to work and commute. You might tell people to hydrate as much as possible, but their work doesn’t offer free (or extra) water to them, and many places like restaurants and cafés still don’t. We tell people to invest in ACs and fans, but landlords and workplaces don’t want to install any, forbid the use, or don’t cover the price of these things. It’s like heat management is still an incredibly personal thing where everyone has to feel like they are fending for themselves, investing their own money into stockpiling resources and tech, and utilizing the privilege to avoid a lot of the heat by working from home/working inside, taking time off, calling in sick and so on. More collective heat management can look like: Free water in establishments everywhere, and drinking fountains spread throughout cities, with signs pointing to the next one. Designating libraries, community centers, schools, transit hubs and big shops like huge supermarkets as cooling centers during heat waves. Keeping trees, bushes, grass etc. intact and adding more. They help keep cities cooler, together with reflective roofs and lighter pavements. Legally mandating landlords to install ACs in rental units, especially ones directly below the roof (attic/loft/penthouse apartments), and cover specific windows in protective foil or external shutters. Requiring new(er) buildings to have specific insulation that helps in summer as well as winter, ventilation strategies, ACs, etc. and updating building codes so new housing remains habitable during prolonged heat waves, even without continuous air conditioning. More shaded areas in crowded places, waiting spots (public transportation), shaded pathways between major destinations. Rollout of functioning and resilient AC in all public transportation, hospitals, schools, universities, elderly homes etc. Extending opening hours into the early morning and late evening during extreme heat, with closure inbetween (or at the bare minimum, siestas). Temperature thresholds that trigger additional protections or suspension of certain work or studies. Preparing railroads, normal roads and other parts of the public from the intense heat effects or making them more heat resistant; otherwise you risk bent rails, melting bitumen etc. Distributing fans or subsidizing cooling equipment where appropriate. Strengthening electrical grids to cope with increased cooling demand, subsidizing electricity costs during declared heat emergencies, expanding renewable generation to reduce the emissions associated with increased cooling needs. And likely more I forgot. Yes, people will cry that this costs soooo much money. But remember that we have no problem investing that money into wars, AI, data centers, expensive proprietary software licenses, politicians’ money schemes and making billionaires richer. Landlords need to invest the rent into the property instead of enriching themselves and getting other people to pay off their mortgage. These aren’t one-time events, it will continue to get worse. Earlier in the year, longer, higher. Many people and animals will die. Everyone has to start preparing and learning from it now, and stop buying into the bullshit that “it was hot when I was a child too, we are just complaining more!!1!”. Your government is failing you if they are not acting now, and it is intentional, as the heat affects vulnerable and powerless groups the most. Make sure you check on old, sick, disabled people and people you know who take medication that makes them more vulnerable to the sun and/or heat. For example, diuretics, beta blockers, anticholinergics, and some antidepressants and stimulants. Reply via email Published 27 Jun, 2026 Hydrate a lot, even before you are actually thirsty. Stay inside if possible. Keep the added humidity to a minimum. Know what you are trying to do with drinks and showers. Cool drinks and showers offer relief, but can make you heat up after. Hot beverages and showers can make everything feel cooler after and help you sweat. I like both, depending on the situation. Wrap ice packs or similar stuff in a towel and put them under your feet or in your armpits. If possible, lower shutters so the sun cannot heat up the interior and the glass. Maybe install sun protection foil on windows (most are plant-friendly). I’ve also seen others provisionally use those reflecting covers for cars on their windows, or aluminium foil. Make sure that if it’s behind the glass, the heat won’t be trapped and make the glass crack, so preferably attach it on the outside. Sunscreen, wide breathable and covering clothing, sun umbrellas and hats. During fall/winter, maybe during Black Friday sales, get a portable split cooling system. Portables do not need structural changes to the building, which is why they tend to be allowed in rental units as they can be removed without a trace and aren’t in use all year. Shitty landlords might get mad to see it in your window, but in many countries, there already is positive case law about them and the usual AC dismissals don’t apply to them. Set out flat bowls of water in the shadow for wild animals and refill. Consider different ones for different sizes (a flat one with stone pebbles for insects, a relatively flat but water-only one for hedgehogs etc., one bird bath…). Use cool tiles and cooling mats for pets. Keep an eye out for baby birds who flee their overheated nests too early; maybe you can save some of them. Especially bitdd who live in attics and roofs are dying right now (swifts etc.) If possible and you can plan the shipment, avoid deliveries. Keep water around for delivery personnel. Eat smaller snacks and portions spread out throughout the day instead of big meals so your body doesn’t heat up as much during digestion. Leave the windows open all day. Let the sun heat up your interior, if possible; try at least covering windows with blankets if there are no shutters. Set out water for animals where it heats up drastically, or in a beverage where they might become trapped and drown. Walk your dog when the ground is heated up - asphalt burns happen quickly past 25 degrees Celsius. Fall for scalpers, scammers and increased prices for ACs and fans who are using the current demand and availability issues for profit. The Porta Split I mean to get can be bought for 550-750 Euro under normal circumstances, now during the heat wave, prices have exploded to over 1.4k. Only buy that if it is an emergency. Think fans or ACs can make you sick. This is a widely held belief especially in older generations in Germany at least, together with the myth that any wind can cause a cold and stiff neck. It is bullshit. It’s a big reason why this country is not prepared for this heat and there’s a 20% adoption rate for ACs here. Think you need to keep the fan off or not buy one at all because of the electricity bill. The increase is lower for newer models and for the few days you need to use it (more) (for now). You are also not meaningfully contributing to climate change with this increased energy use. Like, come on, they wanna build entire data centers eating away gigawatts, your heat protection is not the issue here. Free water in establishments everywhere, and drinking fountains spread throughout cities, with signs pointing to the next one. Designating libraries, community centers, schools, transit hubs and big shops like huge supermarkets as cooling centers during heat waves. Keeping trees, bushes, grass etc. intact and adding more. They help keep cities cooler, together with reflective roofs and lighter pavements. Legally mandating landlords to install ACs in rental units, especially ones directly below the roof (attic/loft/penthouse apartments), and cover specific windows in protective foil or external shutters. Requiring new(er) buildings to have specific insulation that helps in summer as well as winter, ventilation strategies, ACs, etc. and updating building codes so new housing remains habitable during prolonged heat waves, even without continuous air conditioning. More shaded areas in crowded places, waiting spots (public transportation), shaded pathways between major destinations. Rollout of functioning and resilient AC in all public transportation, hospitals, schools, universities, elderly homes etc. Extending opening hours into the early morning and late evening during extreme heat, with closure inbetween (or at the bare minimum, siestas). Temperature thresholds that trigger additional protections or suspension of certain work or studies. Preparing railroads, normal roads and other parts of the public from the intense heat effects or making them more heat resistant; otherwise you risk bent rails, melting bitumen etc. Distributing fans or subsidizing cooling equipment where appropriate. Strengthening electrical grids to cope with increased cooling demand, subsidizing electricity costs during declared heat emergencies, expanding renewable generation to reduce the emissions associated with increased cooling needs.

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ava's blog 2 months ago

art, hunting for beetles & more

I'm in need for some lighthearted stuff. I finally finished a painting from a few months ago, and did a quick gouache doodle in my notebook using the Google captcha look (but slightly wrong). Gonna redo that on proper paper some time with taping off sections, nicer letters and the correct amount of squares; but I think that is so fun, I can think of so many things to draw in this design. I really wanna make (and post) more art. Over the weekend, we hosted friends for some MtG. Baked a cake, bought some snacks, and made a huge portion of spaghetti. Look at his cool shirt: and my other friend's cool phone case: Generally, MtG is the best thing that has ever happened to my social life. I've never had a hobby where I just clicked with so many people I met through it. Seems to attract my kind. Everything else was hit or miss, or I often stood out because of some identity aspect or upbringing. And it makes socializing so much easier! No awkward silences, you can all just focus on the game, and have chitchat on the side, if wanted, not forced. You never have to ask yourself " Shit, if I ask them to hang out, what will we do? What do they like? ". You can just invite them to play and go from there, finding other shared interests. If you wanna go meet new people, you can just go to an LGS. You don't first have to build rapport to do some activity with someone, like it would otherwise be; you can just go to the store and sit at a table. Nothing has to grow into a proper friendship. Sometimes it's just enough to talk to someone for a couple hours for one evening and then never again. That still combats loneliness and social anxiety. And when you invite people over and host at your place, it feels so good to feed them and make them have a good time, and is a great excuse to keep your space extra tidy. I've lived in my current area since 2019, and I was just never able to build a network locally. Covid happened, and all kinds of events or Bumble BFF meets just left me empty. All I had later was my wife (who has been living here for 3 years now) and her friends (who live very far away), and we can only visit each other sparingly. So it's been nice how we have made more of an effort to find people here by visiting multiple LGS and my wife starting to participate in a weekly tabletop event. It feels like these are one of the only third spaces left. Which can be unfortunate depending on how expensive the game is and if there are any participation fees or table renting fees, so it is not ideal; but it oftentimes is cheaper and more fun than staying for hours at a cafe and ending up having talked to no one. :) On another note, I spent time trying to spot some specimens of my favorite beetle, the European stag beetle . I have seen them in my area before (and always report sightings), and it is just the right time of the year. Here's an older gif of one of my interactions last year (I was trying to get him off the street, and he was intimidating me): I set out to find a bigger one, with more impressive mandibles, and maybe even spot an oak tree with multiple on it. :) They love oak trees. I was already lucky on the first area I picked; the stag unfortunately wasn't. Just about 15 seconds earlier, a bike that passed me had run it over partially. I could see at the scene that it was fresh. Crushed a few legs and broke a mandible off. I flipped him and sat him into the bushes away from the path, but he kept flipping and squirming, unable to function. No hope for that guy. I took the mandible with me. It's now on my shelf. I am very very sad that I wasn't there even half a minute earlier to save him. They are an endangered species and need to be protected (which is why you should report their sightings, alive or dead). It's very hard for them to survive because they are so huge and therefore easy prey, and they lay their eggs very deep into the ground, buried below dead trees, preferably oak trees that have a fungal infestation. After hatching, their larvae can take 3-5, sometimes up to 8 years of development in the ground before emerging and trying to find a mate. In general, while my area is lucky to have so many stags that you can find some if you go looking, the food situation doesn't seem to be optimal for them. The better the food, the bigger their general body and especially their mandibles, so starvation can actually cause the males to remain very small with tiny mandibles ("Hungermännchen" in German). I have seen some impressive sizes online. Ours are only okay-ish in size. I'll keep looking in other areas over the next few weeks :) Reply via email Published 23 Jun, 2026

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ava's blog 2 months ago

what i read this week - week 25 2026

As usual - not counting the personal blogs I read :) I think after this one, I am fucking tired about hearing of digital sovereignty, and will stop reading about it for a while. Leak Exposes Members of Peter Thiel’s Secretive ‘Dialog’ Society ( Archive ) - the big news story going around. From Vigilance to Omnibus: Is the CSDDD Heading Down the Same Path as France’s Due Diligence Law? - about the developments of corporate due diligence laws. EU turns to US-powered AI to rank job candidates - this one deeply disappointed me. They're using the Job Matching Application by Anthropic. The system will be used to identify, score, and rank candidates across EU recruitment procedures. The article says that candidates will be informed via an AI disclaimer and will have the right to request human intervention and challenge any decision before interviews take place. I have my doubts. This is killing my desire for these positions... AI Didn’t Kill Design, It Exposed It - interesting view written by a designer. It calls out that design in tech is so often funded by companies and advancing business goals, not just being for the people, so AI doing that now at an incredible speed to not allow questioning the design is the logical next step. Without Open-Source Hardware, There Is No EU Tech Sovereignty - brings into focus that it also needs open source hardware, not just software, in tech sovereignty. This is a gap many aren't aware of. Building Trust Infrastructure for Agentic AI - about how open isn't always good or safe, and in terms of agents and their skills, can be actively harmful. Quote: " What’s missing, therefore, is trust infrastructure: boring, ordinary, transparent, effective institutions that test and validate trust on behalf of people, and create a world where normal users of agents don’t have to think or worry about it, and can take advantage of the upsides of an ecosystem with a baseline of protection from the concomitant risks. " AI, Privacy, and the Hidden Architecture of Harm from Inference - it's one thing to protect personal data that is fixed information that is already out there; it's another to legislate for inference. You can access, correct, or delete personal data, but a model can generate new one (like guessing correct data you never directly shared) that users cannot reasonably foresee or control. Legislation should expand the definitions to include inferred information and probabilistic attributes, and operate on a capability basis when it comes to governance. D.O.J. Seeks to Halt Air Pollution Lawsuit Against xAI Data Center Digitale Souveränität: Wir brauchen keinen Euro-Nationalismus ( Archive ) - critical piece about the use of 'Euro' in the projects and efforts for digital sovereignty, and that the word 'sovereignty' can also be co-opted by nationalists. The report about digital sovereignty for the EU Parliament was written by Sarah Knafo, who is a member of the far right party Reconquête in France. We don't just need sovereignity, we need commons, democracy, and solidarity. Digitale Souveränität in Scheibc­hen - summary and contextualization of the German-French agreements on digital sovereignty. Die Waffen des Silicon Valley - Judgment of Alex Karp's Manifesto, which is an attempt to further cement perpetual fear and warmongering as a business venture for tech. „Die Republik“ setzt sich gegen Palantir durch - Swiss magazine winning court case against Palantir. KI-Gesetz: vereinfachte Vorschriften und Verbot von „Nudifier-Apps“ - press release about the acceptance of the AI omnibus and summary of the changes, most notably the ban on nudifier apps :) and adjusted deadlines for compliance :( Deutsche Cloud: 4 von 10 Unternehmen würden Abstriche in Kauf nehmen - Press release by Bitkom about their Cloud Report 2026, showing some stats about how the industry feels about the reliance on US tech. A Simple Guide to Privacy Signals - Guide on privacy signals by the EDRi. Explains to laypeople everything to know about cookies and new steps taken to simplify consent without cookie banners. Data bought, rights ignored: European intelligence services' use of commercially sourced data (the PDF) - European governments increasingly buy personal data via databrokers that has been generated via social media apps and other platforms. National legal frameworks don't seem to yet adequately regulate the acquisition and use of this data (ADINT/CSINT/other terms etc.), since it's exchanging data with the private sector, plus this may be used to circumvent data minimization requirements. Interface (the organization) advocates for new warrant requirements to get this kind of data, the creation of a legal basis for when intelligence agencies access and use data stored on the servers of private sector entities (= mediated data use), logs for audits and awareness of oversight bodies of this emerging practice. Pages 32, 39, 42 have the main important questions (chapterwise) if you are pressed for time. I found it hard to get through, very complicated at times. Working Paper on Extended Reality - paper on extended reality (umbrella term for virtual/augmented reality) and its privacy risks. In total, that is roughly ~ 180 pages. I will likely soon skip some weeks of this format soon; thinking of giving myself a break from most of the stuff I am doing for the entirety of July :) no GDPRhub summaries, no reading of my RSS feed or papers or magazines (and maybe even books), no blog posts, etc. I've been kinda doing way too much, and I need to prioritize doing nothing (except some studying) for a while, and returning refreshed. Reply via email Published 20 Jun, 2026 Leak Exposes Members of Peter Thiel’s Secretive ‘Dialog’ Society ( Archive ) - the big news story going around. From Vigilance to Omnibus: Is the CSDDD Heading Down the Same Path as France’s Due Diligence Law? - about the developments of corporate due diligence laws. EU turns to US-powered AI to rank job candidates - this one deeply disappointed me. They're using the Job Matching Application by Anthropic. The system will be used to identify, score, and rank candidates across EU recruitment procedures. The article says that candidates will be informed via an AI disclaimer and will have the right to request human intervention and challenge any decision before interviews take place. I have my doubts. This is killing my desire for these positions... AI Didn’t Kill Design, It Exposed It - interesting view written by a designer. It calls out that design in tech is so often funded by companies and advancing business goals, not just being for the people, so AI doing that now at an incredible speed to not allow questioning the design is the logical next step. Without Open-Source Hardware, There Is No EU Tech Sovereignty - brings into focus that it also needs open source hardware, not just software, in tech sovereignty. This is a gap many aren't aware of. Building Trust Infrastructure for Agentic AI - about how open isn't always good or safe, and in terms of agents and their skills, can be actively harmful. Quote: " What’s missing, therefore, is trust infrastructure: boring, ordinary, transparent, effective institutions that test and validate trust on behalf of people, and create a world where normal users of agents don’t have to think or worry about it, and can take advantage of the upsides of an ecosystem with a baseline of protection from the concomitant risks. " AI, Privacy, and the Hidden Architecture of Harm from Inference - it's one thing to protect personal data that is fixed information that is already out there; it's another to legislate for inference. You can access, correct, or delete personal data, but a model can generate new one (like guessing correct data you never directly shared) that users cannot reasonably foresee or control. Legislation should expand the definitions to include inferred information and probabilistic attributes, and operate on a capability basis when it comes to governance. D.O.J. Seeks to Halt Air Pollution Lawsuit Against xAI Data Center Digitale Souveränität: Wir brauchen keinen Euro-Nationalismus ( Archive ) - critical piece about the use of 'Euro' in the projects and efforts for digital sovereignty, and that the word 'sovereignty' can also be co-opted by nationalists. The report about digital sovereignty for the EU Parliament was written by Sarah Knafo, who is a member of the far right party Reconquête in France. We don't just need sovereignity, we need commons, democracy, and solidarity. Digitale Souveränität in Scheibc­hen - summary and contextualization of the German-French agreements on digital sovereignty. Die Waffen des Silicon Valley - Judgment of Alex Karp's Manifesto, which is an attempt to further cement perpetual fear and warmongering as a business venture for tech. „Die Republik“ setzt sich gegen Palantir durch - Swiss magazine winning court case against Palantir. KI-Gesetz: vereinfachte Vorschriften und Verbot von „Nudifier-Apps“ - press release about the acceptance of the AI omnibus and summary of the changes, most notably the ban on nudifier apps :) and adjusted deadlines for compliance :( Deutsche Cloud: 4 von 10 Unternehmen würden Abstriche in Kauf nehmen - Press release by Bitkom about their Cloud Report 2026, showing some stats about how the industry feels about the reliance on US tech. A Simple Guide to Privacy Signals - Guide on privacy signals by the EDRi. Explains to laypeople everything to know about cookies and new steps taken to simplify consent without cookie banners. Data bought, rights ignored: European intelligence services' use of commercially sourced data (the PDF) - European governments increasingly buy personal data via databrokers that has been generated via social media apps and other platforms. National legal frameworks don't seem to yet adequately regulate the acquisition and use of this data (ADINT/CSINT/other terms etc.), since it's exchanging data with the private sector, plus this may be used to circumvent data minimization requirements. Interface (the organization) advocates for new warrant requirements to get this kind of data, the creation of a legal basis for when intelligence agencies access and use data stored on the servers of private sector entities (= mediated data use), logs for audits and awareness of oversight bodies of this emerging practice. Pages 32, 39, 42 have the main important questions (chapterwise) if you are pressed for time. I found it hard to get through, very complicated at times. Working Paper on Extended Reality - paper on extended reality (umbrella term for virtual/augmented reality) and its privacy risks. This one for noyb.

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ava's blog 2 months ago

favorite re:publica 26 talks - part 1

Sadly couldn't attend re:publica 26, but the talks have been recorded and uploaded on YouTube. If you don't know: It's a conference in Germany with workshops and talks that deal with internet topics, specifically digital rights, media culture, online presences like blogs or social media, and our general information society. So I watched many of the uploaded talks by now, and here is part 1 of my favorites! Initially, I wanted to do one post, but it's getting way too much/long, and I'm dragging my feet watching the rest I planned to. Most of these talks are in German, some are in English, but I guess you can also use YT's auto dub feature (which I find horrible, but has become a bit better lately, as far as I can tell from when it was suddenly turned on). Let's start! OpenClaw - Anatomy of the Wave - great talk about AI agents, how to set one up, and interesting use cases. Kinda sold me on at least going through the setup process, especially as one reader once inspired me to give open source local models a try. Interesting tidbits: The idea of letting an employee close to retirement use an agent so it will save all the knowledge that will otherwise be lost or won't be covered in onboarding of a replacement; anti-distill tech, that masks your skills and outputs so that models cannot be trained to replace you; the theory that as more and more people will talk with AI, we will go back to a predominately oral culture, worse grammar and writing (as AI will understand anyway, even with mistakes), and potentially affecting how we talk to each other; the appeal to build your own agent before the big players in the AI space barter over you and your data, and so that you are independent from platform capitalism. On Counter-Power (with Arne Semsrott) - absolutely banger talk, my favorite. I love Arne, I also bought his latest book. Interesting tidbits: A lot of INSA studies about public opinion/voting that show off the AfD's success in Germany are paid for by BILD and NIUS, and the INSA CEO has a past of supporting the AfD and other far-right and conservative groups; the %s of AfD in those polls looks scary, but when compared to the last election and how many groups did vote for a Bürokratieabbau for power and money, but the most vulnerable ( Bürgergeld/Grundsicherung , Immigration), get more and more of it; political and civic participation needs to be fun and enjoyable! Young, blonde, right-wing... & AI-generated is a talk about how many prominent rightwing personalities online (that rightwing politicians even interact with and platform on their account) are AI-generated, especially young, blonde white women. AI makes it easier to produce more polished content; even when we consider it slop, it is polished in a specific way that resembles high quality marketing stuff that AI is trained on. That makes it easier for rightwingers to churn out hard-hitting images and content of their fabricated reality that their audience laps up, and they especially focus on decline porn , which generates attention, money and power through the fantasy that we are close to a complete collapse etc. Ordinary media and their contribution to the comeback of fascism talks about how false neutrality in the biggest reputable/respectable news media has contributed to the rise of fascism. Everything is "debatable" or "controversial", "critics say" what they don't directly want to say, and therefore outsource Machtkritik onto third parties. One great example: NYT wrote "Critics complain that Italy's Government is interfering in the arts" but it actually was, as was explained in the text, so the title should have just said Italy's government is interfering in the arts. This trick gets used like a shield to blame a view on critics instead of standing by what they write. Tagesschau platforms BILD and NIUS like they are respectable platforms just to play a "both sides equally" game, false dichotomies get created for outrage and clicks when there is a more nuanced view they do not offer because it would actually involve journalistic work of contextualizing what politicians say with facts. Trumps unhinged tweets get sanitized, normalized and softened by news by breaking them down into "giving Iran more time to open the Strait" as if it was a respectable position. The Authoritarian Stack with Francesca Bria. She's showing stuff from the Authoritarian Stack and Euro Stack websites, explaining how much tech oligarchs are building and controlling the essential systems of our modern society; social media, office software, chips, internet, raw materials etc. while they are building a post-democratic world. They embed themselves into states and governments through procurement, venture capital, and personnel pipelines; supply chains and dependencies are weaponized, bottlenecks become goldmines (land, power, chips, mines, data centers) and political alignment with Washington becomes a requirement to access advanced compute. Interesting tidbits: Ideology steers the Venture Capital, which funds the companies, which send people off into government positions (State Capture) which leads to Regulation/Deregulation in their favor, and they get Gov Contracts which lets them build Infrastructure. We all pay for it via taxes, because those get invested when government buys their products (esp around immigration control, war, etc.); Marc Andreessen spent more on the election than Soros and Musk; General Matter reactors are the first privately owned uranium enrichment plant in America, Thiel sits on the board, 900 million contract; every year over 2 trillion euros of public EU procurement go to fund our dependency. Digital arms race (with Michael Kolain) covered whether we are in a digital arms race, the issues in it, and how we might get out. Old terms and concepts like disarmament don't work anymore, as these AI systems are dual use; spending in AI is also investing into AI warfare because of this. This means at some point, since systems and countries can no longer be disarmed, there is always the threat of attack, a silent war that never ends, a hyperwar that is unparalleled in speed and scale. Mirjam Walser – Unheard of! AI, animals, and the question of whose interests count is a great presentation on the animal rights aspects of it all. AI is promised to increase animal welfare, but it is a ruse of the big players in animal agriculture to optimize productivity and profitability. The goal is completely autonomous mass killing in giant meat plants, no humans needed. Interesting to note: Anthropic is, so far, the only company whose guidance includes respecting animals and all sentient beings. Trust in the AI Era: How does digital information remain credible? says that we are going through a paradigm shift in which we do not need to ask whether a picture is real, but instead asking ourselves where it comes from, who made it and what got changed. Also, interesting facts around content credentials; some cameras in Samsung and Pixel phones, as well as some Lyca model, cryptographically sign an image during the shot so it is known it was actually physically taken ("real"). Different approaches taken/different orgs around it are C2PA, CAI, CR. There are different approaches to both integrity and identity layers of this confirmation. Manipulation will be a daily thing, but we need visible signs and control so we can choose how to engage with it. High time for sexual media literacy covers digital sexuality (Digisexualität, Mediensexualität) for everyone, but especially teens. It makes clear that it's not only always about porn or porn websites; people also use the internet for sexual education, flirting and sexting with each other (or with bots) over social media platforms and games, exploring sexuality and finding validation from other sexual minorities, finding each other to have sex in real life, seeing thirst traps on the feed, etc. and unfortunately, they also get sexually harassed, groomed, deepfaked, and there is (new term for me!) Sharegewalt ('share violence', non-consensual sharing of nudes to other parties). Nowadays, children come into contact with sexual media at 11 years old on average; analog consensual sexual experiences tend to happen between 14-19, where most people report having their first intercourse at 19. This used to be earlier for past generations. Digital sex becomes a practice range for analog sex nowadays, which makes sense, as digital no's are easier than real life no's, and digital experiences can be paused or stopped easily. The big point is: It is important for teens to be able to find ways to cope with their changing, sexualized bodies, to experience themselves as a sexual being and find out what they like, see their effect on others, test their desires and how it is to generate sexual attention, and find out where they are on the gender binary (or outside of it). It's especially important for queer people, disabled people, abused people, socially anxious people or people who are surveilled a lot at home. We should not think of teens as passive victims to sexual content, but as consumers, and continue improvements in sex education, and expand it to teaching media competence around porn and sexting (how to keep yourself safe, how to draw boundaries, detect cybergrooming, knowing you have legal rights etc.). Classism in Digital Spaces - I really struggled not to cry watching this one because it hits close to home. You're not only confronted with different economic realities offline, but also online, where everyone shares their highlight reel and makes their life look more luxurious. It can quickly feel like you're the only one struggling, or the only one with an upbringing in poverty. As a poor person, you are shamed, and people who are more well-off than you refuse to believe your stories, and then when they feel guilty for earning more, they project that onto you, and shame you for making them feel bad. They act like having money is so hard and a burden that was placed on them, or as if they should not pay more of a collective bill if they also earn more. It is also staggering just how many people do poverty cosplay both online and in real life; their family has been comfortably middle class all their life, yet they somehow co-opt poverty discourse as if it affected them. I get mad when I interact with someone in that way and then later find out their family has multiple houses, for example. People like that don't know how good they have it; despite Germany being one of the richest countries, every fourth child is growing up in poverty by now. So many of my friends struggle to find jobs, and also rely on Bürgergeld/Grundsicherung , and for them it's like being in an abusive relationship. This huge, powerful entity gives you a very limited amount of money while degrading you, insulting you, and making you jump through hoops trying to prove you are not guilty of something , and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't evade it, or can't break out of it, you can't defend yourself. You are forced to endure it until you can find a job, which could be next week or in 5 years. You're living under constant threat of losing everything, and are expected not to be a fucking nervous wreck during it? Next time you read about how a high percentage of people getting benefits isn't looking for a job, remember that this includes minors, people close to retirement who don't get hired due to their age, disabled people, people doing care work for the children and elderly in their family, people who already work a low-income job and get the benefits as supplement, and more. Defeating digital corporations with class action lawsuits - collective legal action like that is new in the EU (since 2020), and this video explains the different kind of options and what they are used for. I will not bore you with legal details, but it was very enlightening for me! Includes real life example of class actions against X, TikTok, Amazon and more. Sorry, not sorry – The Art of (Not) Apologizing in Public - very helpful for me as a person who struggles to understand apologies and what makes a good one, and why social media apologies are the way they are. This may sound odd, but for most of my life so far, I just never understood what was expected of me when I was made to apologize, and what it is for. I often don't regret any behavior I know I am supposed to apologize for, and in many contexts while growing up, just did it because I knew it was the "right" thing to do, without actually feeling remorseful or wrong about what I did (nowadays, I apologize when I feel genuinely remorseful). Apologies by others unfortunately give me absolutely nothing and don't resolve anything for me emotionally (the result of growing up with people who apologized to me doing the thing they apologized for again and again, or abusers not apologizing to me ever, and also me being forced to apologize when I didn't want to, I guess, which made it all feel like a fake performance and scam), so I have a very limited view of what others actually feel about it. I appreciate this deep dive into what an apology is, what it is good for, and why some people apologize while others don't. The Future of Human-Machine Relationships was cool to watch because it's led by an actual researcher summarizing her studies on how humans interact with AI, what it means to them, what influences it, and the range of answers to some of the research questions. She makes clear that AI should be a bridge into the real world, not a wall, and not an escape. Related talk: When AI simulates consciousness , about how pareidolia and the frictionless, sycophantic design of the big GenAI aids the humanization of them. LLMs as they are publicly available right now are a mass social experiment. ... but there are many, many, many, maaaaany more videos and talks that happened, so feel free to check out the rest and see if you find anything you like! Part II hopefully coming soon. Reply via email Published 19 Jun, 2026 OpenClaw - Anatomy of the Wave - great talk about AI agents, how to set one up, and interesting use cases. Kinda sold me on at least going through the setup process, especially as one reader once inspired me to give open source local models a try. Interesting tidbits: The idea of letting an employee close to retirement use an agent so it will save all the knowledge that will otherwise be lost or won't be covered in onboarding of a replacement; anti-distill tech, that masks your skills and outputs so that models cannot be trained to replace you; the theory that as more and more people will talk with AI, we will go back to a predominately oral culture, worse grammar and writing (as AI will understand anyway, even with mistakes), and potentially affecting how we talk to each other; the appeal to build your own agent before the big players in the AI space barter over you and your data, and so that you are independent from platform capitalism. On Counter-Power (with Arne Semsrott) - absolutely banger talk, my favorite. I love Arne, I also bought his latest book. Interesting tidbits: A lot of INSA studies about public opinion/voting that show off the AfD's success in Germany are paid for by BILD and NIUS, and the INSA CEO has a past of supporting the AfD and other far-right and conservative groups; the %s of AfD in those polls looks scary, but when compared to the last election and how many groups did vote for a Bürokratieabbau for power and money, but the most vulnerable ( Bürgergeld/Grundsicherung , Immigration), get more and more of it; political and civic participation needs to be fun and enjoyable! Young, blonde, right-wing... & AI-generated is a talk about how many prominent rightwing personalities online (that rightwing politicians even interact with and platform on their account) are AI-generated, especially young, blonde white women. AI makes it easier to produce more polished content; even when we consider it slop, it is polished in a specific way that resembles high quality marketing stuff that AI is trained on. That makes it easier for rightwingers to churn out hard-hitting images and content of their fabricated reality that their audience laps up, and they especially focus on decline porn , which generates attention, money and power through the fantasy that we are close to a complete collapse etc. Ordinary media and their contribution to the comeback of fascism talks about how false neutrality in the biggest reputable/respectable news media has contributed to the rise of fascism. Everything is "debatable" or "controversial", "critics say" what they don't directly want to say, and therefore outsource Machtkritik onto third parties. One great example: NYT wrote "Critics complain that Italy's Government is interfering in the arts" but it actually was, as was explained in the text, so the title should have just said Italy's government is interfering in the arts. This trick gets used like a shield to blame a view on critics instead of standing by what they write. Tagesschau platforms BILD and NIUS like they are respectable platforms just to play a "both sides equally" game, false dichotomies get created for outrage and clicks when there is a more nuanced view they do not offer because it would actually involve journalistic work of contextualizing what politicians say with facts. Trumps unhinged tweets get sanitized, normalized and softened by news by breaking them down into "giving Iran more time to open the Strait" as if it was a respectable position. The Authoritarian Stack with Francesca Bria. She's showing stuff from the Authoritarian Stack and Euro Stack websites, explaining how much tech oligarchs are building and controlling the essential systems of our modern society; social media, office software, chips, internet, raw materials etc. while they are building a post-democratic world. They embed themselves into states and governments through procurement, venture capital, and personnel pipelines; supply chains and dependencies are weaponized, bottlenecks become goldmines (land, power, chips, mines, data centers) and political alignment with Washington becomes a requirement to access advanced compute. Interesting tidbits: Ideology steers the Venture Capital, which funds the companies, which send people off into government positions (State Capture) which leads to Regulation/Deregulation in their favor, and they get Gov Contracts which lets them build Infrastructure. We all pay for it via taxes, because those get invested when government buys their products (esp around immigration control, war, etc.); Marc Andreessen spent more on the election than Soros and Musk; General Matter reactors are the first privately owned uranium enrichment plant in America, Thiel sits on the board, 900 million contract; every year over 2 trillion euros of public EU procurement go to fund our dependency. Digital arms race (with Michael Kolain) covered whether we are in a digital arms race, the issues in it, and how we might get out. Old terms and concepts like disarmament don't work anymore, as these AI systems are dual use; spending in AI is also investing into AI warfare because of this. This means at some point, since systems and countries can no longer be disarmed, there is always the threat of attack, a silent war that never ends, a hyperwar that is unparalleled in speed and scale. Mirjam Walser – Unheard of! AI, animals, and the question of whose interests count is a great presentation on the animal rights aspects of it all. AI is promised to increase animal welfare, but it is a ruse of the big players in animal agriculture to optimize productivity and profitability. The goal is completely autonomous mass killing in giant meat plants, no humans needed. Interesting to note: Anthropic is, so far, the only company whose guidance includes respecting animals and all sentient beings. Trust in the AI Era: How does digital information remain credible? says that we are going through a paradigm shift in which we do not need to ask whether a picture is real, but instead asking ourselves where it comes from, who made it and what got changed. Also, interesting facts around content credentials; some cameras in Samsung and Pixel phones, as well as some Lyca model, cryptographically sign an image during the shot so it is known it was actually physically taken ("real"). Different approaches taken/different orgs around it are C2PA, CAI, CR. There are different approaches to both integrity and identity layers of this confirmation. Manipulation will be a daily thing, but we need visible signs and control so we can choose how to engage with it. High time for sexual media literacy covers digital sexuality (Digisexualität, Mediensexualität) for everyone, but especially teens. It makes clear that it's not only always about porn or porn websites; people also use the internet for sexual education, flirting and sexting with each other (or with bots) over social media platforms and games, exploring sexuality and finding validation from other sexual minorities, finding each other to have sex in real life, seeing thirst traps on the feed, etc. and unfortunately, they also get sexually harassed, groomed, deepfaked, and there is (new term for me!) Sharegewalt ('share violence', non-consensual sharing of nudes to other parties). Nowadays, children come into contact with sexual media at 11 years old on average; analog consensual sexual experiences tend to happen between 14-19, where most people report having their first intercourse at 19. This used to be earlier for past generations. Digital sex becomes a practice range for analog sex nowadays, which makes sense, as digital no's are easier than real life no's, and digital experiences can be paused or stopped easily. The big point is: It is important for teens to be able to find ways to cope with their changing, sexualized bodies, to experience themselves as a sexual being and find out what they like, see their effect on others, test their desires and how it is to generate sexual attention, and find out where they are on the gender binary (or outside of it). It's especially important for queer people, disabled people, abused people, socially anxious people or people who are surveilled a lot at home. We should not think of teens as passive victims to sexual content, but as consumers, and continue improvements in sex education, and expand it to teaching media competence around porn and sexting (how to keep yourself safe, how to draw boundaries, detect cybergrooming, knowing you have legal rights etc.). Classism in Digital Spaces - I really struggled not to cry watching this one because it hits close to home. You're not only confronted with different economic realities offline, but also online, where everyone shares their highlight reel and makes their life look more luxurious. It can quickly feel like you're the only one struggling, or the only one with an upbringing in poverty. As a poor person, you are shamed, and people who are more well-off than you refuse to believe your stories, and then when they feel guilty for earning more, they project that onto you, and shame you for making them feel bad. They act like having money is so hard and a burden that was placed on them, or as if they should not pay more of a collective bill if they also earn more. It is also staggering just how many people do poverty cosplay both online and in real life; their family has been comfortably middle class all their life, yet they somehow co-opt poverty discourse as if it affected them. I get mad when I interact with someone in that way and then later find out their family has multiple houses, for example. People like that don't know how good they have it; despite Germany being one of the richest countries, every fourth child is growing up in poverty by now. So many of my friends struggle to find jobs, and also rely on Bürgergeld/Grundsicherung , and for them it's like being in an abusive relationship. This huge, powerful entity gives you a very limited amount of money while degrading you, insulting you, and making you jump through hoops trying to prove you are not guilty of something , and there is nothing you can do about it. You can't evade it, or can't break out of it, you can't defend yourself. You are forced to endure it until you can find a job, which could be next week or in 5 years. You're living under constant threat of losing everything, and are expected not to be a fucking nervous wreck during it? Next time you read about how a high percentage of people getting benefits isn't looking for a job, remember that this includes minors, people close to retirement who don't get hired due to their age, disabled people, people doing care work for the children and elderly in their family, people who already work a low-income job and get the benefits as supplement, and more. Defeating digital corporations with class action lawsuits - collective legal action like that is new in the EU (since 2020), and this video explains the different kind of options and what they are used for. I will not bore you with legal details, but it was very enlightening for me! Includes real life example of class actions against X, TikTok, Amazon and more. Sorry, not sorry – The Art of (Not) Apologizing in Public - very helpful for me as a person who struggles to understand apologies and what makes a good one, and why social media apologies are the way they are. This may sound odd, but for most of my life so far, I just never understood what was expected of me when I was made to apologize, and what it is for. I often don't regret any behavior I know I am supposed to apologize for, and in many contexts while growing up, just did it because I knew it was the "right" thing to do, without actually feeling remorseful or wrong about what I did (nowadays, I apologize when I feel genuinely remorseful). Apologies by others unfortunately give me absolutely nothing and don't resolve anything for me emotionally (the result of growing up with people who apologized to me doing the thing they apologized for again and again, or abusers not apologizing to me ever, and also me being forced to apologize when I didn't want to, I guess, which made it all feel like a fake performance and scam), so I have a very limited view of what others actually feel about it. I appreciate this deep dive into what an apology is, what it is good for, and why some people apologize while others don't. The Future of Human-Machine Relationships was cool to watch because it's led by an actual researcher summarizing her studies on how humans interact with AI, what it means to them, what influences it, and the range of answers to some of the research questions. She makes clear that AI should be a bridge into the real world, not a wall, and not an escape. Related talk: When AI simulates consciousness , about how pareidolia and the frictionless, sycophantic design of the big GenAI aids the humanization of them. LLMs as they are publicly available right now are a mass social experiment.

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ava's blog 2 months ago

the girly wellness aesthetic as a white supremacist dog whistle

Since reading Naomi Klein’s Doppelganger and its parts about Covid and fitness influencer culture a while ago (especially the chapter "The Far Right Meets the Far Out"), I cannot help but see that “ Pinterest clean girl fitness and fruit bowl gua sha yoga mat pilates in the forest ” content as covert white supremacy and eugenicist ideals; dog whistles, shared far and wide by people who probably don’t know better and just think it looks good and want to be like that. I cannot quote the entire book and how it adds it together and builds this narrative up, but I especially liked these parts: " There are deep and healthy pleasures to be found in exercise, as there are in other aspects of wellness. For many of the evangelists in these worlds, however, both fitness and diet are intensely value-laden endeavors. Achieving goals means setting rigorous targets and displaying relentless discipline to meet them (a.k.a. "putting in the work"). That's how you reach your idealized body double. Which is all fine if it stays there. But the trouble is, it often doesn't. As Carmen Maria Machado draws out in her doppelganger short story, once the slim, perfect body has been achieved, the less controlled body that once was can persist as an ever-present shadow-self - and this discarded double is deeply loathed. [...] And that is the trouble with this more private kind of doppelganger; when body mania sets in, the fit self may well not be satisfied with crushing its own unfit self; it may look for other targets, its self-hatred seeping out and projecting itself onto other people's less fit, less conventionally able bodies. These kinds of moralistic physical judgments deepened during the pandemic, especially when it became clear that obesity, diabetes, and some forms of addiction increased the risks posed by Covid-19, along-side other factors, including age. Much of the pressure to wear a mask and get vaccinated, meanwhile, was framed as a duty to care for those with greater vulnerabilities. It was then that wellness culture, and its barely submerged hostility toward less conventionally perfect bodies and less "clean" lifestyles, began to bare its teeth. [...] The core Covid-era public health message - that we all needed to undergo some individual inconveniences for the sake of our collective health - enjoyed majority support. Yet it simply could not be reconciled with the wellness industry's own overarching message: that individuals must take charge over their own bodies as their primary sites of influence, control, and competitive edge. And that those who don't exercise that control deserve what they get. Neoliberalism of the body, in distilled form. [...] On the contrary, the lesson they seem to have extracted from the race and class disparities of Covid's early death toll was "This virus is going to kill people who do not look like me.". [...] This willingness to write off huge swaths of humanity that are cast as lesser within supremacist narratives is the strongest glue that binds together the pastel-hued, self-loving world of women's wellness with the fire-breathing, immigrant-bashing world of the Bannon right. [...] These are the histories currently being conjured up in mainstream wellness culture, which has adopted Silicon Valley's notion of self-optimization, itself a by-product of the personal-branding culture that torments so many young people today. Every step counted. Every sleep measured. Every meal "clean". And it is in this context that has prepared the ground for a redux of the 1930s fascist/New Age alliance. The very idea that a human can and should be "optimized" lends itself to a fascistic worldview - because if your food is extra-clean, it can easily mean other people's food is extra-dirty. If you are safe because your immune system is strong, it can flip to man others are unsafe because they are weak. If you are optimized, others are, by definition, suboptimal. Defective. Next door to disposable. " Together with a lot of quotes of fitness trainers, and the fact that the Lululemon founder donated his money to right-wing causes. I used to enjoy looking at this stuff. Since reading, I notice how monotonous the entire aesthetic is, all these social media profiles and suggestions; it’s always white or racially ambiguous people, always women with European beauty standards and highly genderconforming bodies and style. Always the minimalist white beige pastel pink outfits and surroundings, always huge living spaces that look basically unused, always so clean and perfectly styled that it insinuates either lots of available time or paid household help. It goes directly against much of the color celebrated in other cultures, something I already read about in Chromophobia by David Batchelor, in which the author makes compelling arguments that certain groups are obsessed with pure white design because color is seen as corrupting, as racialized and as queer. It’s always with messages about working on yourself that are laid over bodies and food, subtle hints about how you can cure almost anything if you just eat extra clean, avoid evil chemicals, filter everything, drink herbal tea, take supplements and do the sort of exercise regimen that gives you a body like the images. The message is clear: this is what the happy, healthy, perfect body looks like, and everything else is gross, impure, sick, and in need of fixing. This is also presented as almost effortless, and you as the one being out of tune, your body derailed, that you have to get back into its natural equilibrium by detoxification and debloating (rapid weightloss). How it got so out of balance? The poison they now put in your food, the water, the packaging, the air, whatever. There is no space for visibly disabled and chronically ill bodies in this narrative that only permits good health as the default. Acknowledging them would mean admitting that your health is somewhat out of your control beyond the basics, and that it isn’t your juicing and Pilates regimen or your 300$ supplements keeping you together, but luck, genes, not having had an accident, and maybe handwashing. It would be admitting that you could end up sick and hurt despite all the money and time you pour into this, or that your body won’t look like this (for)ever. The other bodies are considered ugly, weak, lazy, a victim of their lifestyle, their greed. It’s simply cooler and seemingly “natural” to throw herbs and greens into a smoothie and pretend that this is your medicine, than the sterile, branded packaging of a syringe or pill, which doesn’t look natural at all. I think especially in America, these content creators love the juxtaposition of the fat Black woman in a food desert with some KFC and burgers, and their white skinny selves in Erewhon. What this content is after is somewhat an image of the Übermensch - the one basically never sick, always strong, beautiful, fertile, white or white-passing, disciplined, hardworking. There’s a reason why so many fitness influencers are conservative or are even MAGA, why so many of them shifted to tradwife content, and how much tradwife content is just like the above but focused on very palatable and stereotypical household chores instead of gym fits, while still featuring almost the same foods and regimens. They post “farmers market haul!” and it shows three impressively tasty looking leafy greens and other vegetables, and you just know that those three items cost what others need for 3 days of food, and can be used for just one meal, or more of you severely undereat. This can’t feed a family, and they couldn’t frolick through the park with their chives and kale in a bag if they really had to transport several cans of food and tetrapaks, too. Wedged in-between are pictures from far-away, expensive travels: impressive beaches, forests, parks, mountains. People, posting in the tone of being just smol little beans !! 🥺, saying: taking a walk through my parents’ backyard! And it’s a whole forest. Generational wealth, but wholesome, ecological, wellness-focused, back-to-the-roots. It’s where cottagecore aesthetic and eco-fascism are able to meet. It’s where criticism about cities, pollution, ecological collapse, loving nature aesthetics can be combined with “retvrn” and “reject modernity, embrace tradition”. All that is why when seeing this type of stuff now, it looks dystopian, it looks like propaganda, highly exclusionary, eugenicist. And I have these feelings despite being the target group and easily passing for one of them as someone who’s white, going to the gym, with a fitting skincare routine, lots of supplements and eating lots of whole foods; the only thing not making me fit in is my chronic illness, and not fully adhering to heterosexual standards of beauty. I know others will think it's "not that deep", but this stuff doesn't exist in a vacuum and frequently gets co-opted in meme warfare and the normalization of a certain standard. It makes me deeply uncomfortable, and thinking of when this really popped off, it paved the way into our current skinny/Ozempic culture and the rise of fascism in many areas. Reply via email Published 17 Jun, 2026

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